The Cullens of Hazzard
by CarminMoon
Summary: A fun, humorous take on the Cullens...HAZZARD COUNTY STYLE. Silly crossover with the Dukes of Hazzard classic TV series. AH/AU...rated M for innuendo, language, and possible limes or lemons. Collaboration between shalu and CarminMoon.
1. Humble Beginnin's

A/N: Introducing a collaboration between myself and Miss Shalu (author of the awesome "Down The Rabbit Hole" — if you haven't started it, get to it!). BIG THANKS to all our UU bitches, all of whom we heart dearly and really really hard. Cuz they iz AWSUM. This one's for all y'all.

BTW, we no ownsies the Twilights. We wishes we dids. Especially Edward and Jasper and their tight, tight Levi's.

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**Now folks, I ain't never been the "cat's got yer tongue" type. Matter a'fact, I reckon I ain't never gone more than five whole minutes without spinnin' a yarn about sumthin. Unless'n you count when I sleep. 'Course I been told I talk in my sleep if I've had a shot o'shine or two. Now 'fore I get too fer off the topic, I'm here a-tell y'all a tale or two about some fellas I know down in Georgia. Hazzard County to be exact.**

**Today I'ma gonna be rattlin' on about them Cullens. Yessum, I said the Cullens. You might a' heard about 'em, you might not've. But seems to me that someone has to tell their tale, cuz otherwise no one will remember how things started and how they ended.**

**Now these are some good ol' boys; their hearts always in the right places. It's just that sometimes their heads ain't. They can git themselves into a heap o' trouble faster than you can say hoecake. And that's fast.**

**The Cullen family used to be a big'un. But now they've dwindled down to just a few. Folks like them live hard, and some of'em have died hard too. First off, we got Carlisle Cullen, also known as "Uncle C." The last remnant of the Glory Days, as we call'em down here. The days when rum- runnin' was king and headin' off to Tennessee or 'Bama with a load of homemade corn whiskey was just another day at the office. He was the best of the best. But all good things must come to an end. I'll get back to that part later.**

**His six older brothers left 'im to tend the farm after the Ridge Runnin' days were over, years ago, and eventually left 'im with their younguns: Edward, Jasper, and Rosalie. All cousins, all spitfire and axle grease.**

**Edward and Jasper, his two nephews...Well, them boys was trouble with a capital 'T' the moment they popped outta their mamas. Always a'fightin' or wrasslin'. They left more lumps on each other than a millipede has legs. It's pert near a miracle they made it past eighteen. Their parents both died when they was jus' boys, so they were left in the care of Carlisle. He did his best to raise 'em right though he had no young'uns of his own.**

**His niece, Rosalie, lost her parents some years after, and she came to live with them, too. Been like peas in a pod e'er since. Them boys sure needed a woman's touch and Rosie deals out hugs and slaps just like she spoons out beans 'n' cornbread. Y'all know that sayin' blood is thicker than water? Well, in this family, it's the God's honest truth. Ain't nuthin' one of'em can do without one o' the others right there alongside 'em.**

**Now their family's been livin' in Hazzard County since Methusulah was knee high to a grasshopper. They even used to own most o' the land 'round these parts. But thanks to the government and some bad decision makin' that I won't raise up no fuss about, they only own the land around their farmhouse. It's been standing there like a sentinel for the past hunnert 'n' fifty years or so. It had to be rebuilt after the war, but that's another thing I won't be a-tellin' y'all about today.**

**It was another beautiful Georgia morning, and Carlisle was drivin' back from his fav-o-rite fishin' hole where he'd just caught a string o' channel cat. He was hummin' with a tune on the radio and hopin' that the chickens had laid a mess o' eggs to go with his catfish. Rosie sure could cook up a mean breakfast.**

**His beat up old white Ford had just turned back onto the main road when he noticed a bright yeller car with two pretty little things sittin' on the back bumper. Being the southern gentleman that he is, he pulled over behind them. A tiny sprite with black hair was wavin' arms in the air and makin' noises you'd hear comin' from a cat with its tail caught under a rockin' chair. The other filly had long, wavy brown hair and looked a bit like someone had burnt her cornbread. They most certainly weren't from 'round these parts. Their clothes were fancy, and that car - well let's just say that car was slicker than a duck's ass in gooseberry season.**

**Now let me just throw in somethin' here folks. Carlisle might be in his middle years, but all the ladies at the auxiliary still swoon when they look at him. His blond hair has very little grey in it, but he's still fit as a fiddle due to all the fine fresh air he breathes.**

"G'mornin' ladies." He put on his best 'meet your momma' smile.

The brown-haired girl smiled shyly. "Umm, hello. We are having a little car trouble."

The black-haired slip of a girl gave her a look that would'a froze the devil himself in his tracks. "I think that's a bit of an understatement Bella! Not only has the car broken down, I can't get a signal on this POS phone, and now I have a broken Manolo from traipsing up and down this back-country road that probably leads to a podunk town that doesn't even have a mall!"

"Alice, don't be so rude!" She gestured at Carlisle standing near his truck, a twinkle in his eye.

"Well now ladies, it seems y'all are havin' quite a difficult day. Y'all gimme a sec, and I'll see if I can wrangle up a tow truck." Alice cocked her head at him like he was speaking a foreign language, but the other girl smiled.

"That would be very kind of you, uh, what's your name?"

"Name's Carlisle Cullen, ma'am. But y'all can call me Carlisle." He turned back to his truck and grabbed the CB. "Hey there, Crazy Coo—uh, Emmett? You got yer ears on? This here's Shepherd." A crackle came over the CB and he heard a small grumble on the other end.

"Yeah, Shepherd I'm here. Ain't it a bit early for my breakfast call?" Emmett was a good friend of the family, and he ate breakfast with them every Saturday morning like clockwork. Of course, it might've had something to do with the fact that he was smitten with Rosalie, too.

"Well no, ya knucklehead. Ain't too early for yer breakfast call, I done figured you'd be halfway there by now. I'm callin' fer a different reason. I need you to bring yer oversized bee-hind out here to Route 229, jus' off the fishin' hole. There's two young fillies sittin' here with a broke down car."

"Well, hell, why didn't you say so, Shepherd? Be there in twenty." Emmett was always a good guy; a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but a good guy nonetheless.

"Alright, I'll tell'em yer on yer way. Shepherd out."

"10-4 Shepherd. Catch ya at the house."

The girls had overheard at least part of the conversation, and took it to mean that they would be back on the road in no time. Little did they know that on a Saturday in Hazzard county, finding car parts for a Lamborghini was like looking for a needle in a hay stack: damn near impossible.

Carlisle walked towards them with a fatherly look on his face. "Ladies, I got a tow truck a'comin', but it's gonna be a little while. Could I possibly interest y'all in some breakfast?"

Alice looked as though he'd asked her to skin a pole cat. Bella smiled. She was quite the little ray of sunshine.

"Really, um, Carlisle, sir, we couldn't impose like that. We'll just wait for the tow truck."

"Well," he pinched the word in his throat. "While Emmett's a good feller, his truck ain't exactly built fer three, least not with his bear of a self in 'ere. When he comes to get yer car, there won't be room fer both o' y'all to ride. After all yer frustrations, please allow me to get you'ns some breakfast. Then my nephews can take y'all into town."

**Now before you folks get yourselves all riled up about talkin' to strangers and acceptin' rides from 'em, let me just say that Carlisle is as fine a gentleman as they come. He'd never hurt a fly, and his momma raised him to be polite. Southern hospitality is ingrained in him. And if y'all ain't never been to the South well then let me say, you need to experience it first hand.**

"Excuse us for a moment!" Alice grabbed her friend by the hand and dragged her to the opposite end of the car. "Bella! What are you thinking? We can't just go to this man's house, he could be a pervert or a serial killer!"

"Oh, come off it Alice! Does he really look like a serial killer? He's a handsome old man, who has just saved us from a fate possibly far worse. The next guy to pull up could have 3 teeth and smell like a skunked beer factory! Would you prefer that?" Bella countered Alice's harsh whispers with amused sarcasm.

The tiny girl huffed and crossed her arms on her chest. "Okay, you have a point. But let me just state for the record I am not happy about this! And I am not sitting in the middle." Bella rolled her eyes, knowing better than to argue when she crossed her arms. It was a final gesture.

"Fine. I'll sit in the middle, on one condition."

"What?"

"You need to be more polite. This man seems very nice and I don't think he deserves to be screeched at." Bella crossed her arms, knowing that Alice would see herself mirrored in the pose.

"Fine."

"Fine."

**Carlisle watched the little exchange with a small grin on his face. They looked like two angry kittens fixin' to fight. Both of 'em huffin' and flexin' their tiny claws. They turned back to the car and opened the doors to grab bags out from the back. He noticed they kept on pullin' bags out 'til they each had a small mountain of luggage next to'em.**

**He nodded a smile an' grabbed a couple of bags, walkin' to the bed of his truck. Careful not to get them near his string of catfish or his gear, he set 'em gingerly inside the bed. By the time they loaded everything up, an' started down the road, his stomach was growling some'n' fierce. He was purty durn sure Rosalie was gonna be madder 'n a hornet's nest at having two extra mouths fer breakfast. But it couldn't be helped. These two feisty little things were going to be just what the doctor ordered for his mischief lovin' nephews. Carlisle still had a few tricks left up his sleeve, and he wasn't skeered to use them.**

**Now, them girls was mighty quiet the entire fifteen minute ride to the Cullen farm, but upon the sight of the old outhouse out back, tiny Alice durn near hit the roof. I dunno if screamin' covers the noise comin' from 'er.**

"Alice!" Bella clapped her hand over her mouth. "What on earth has gotten into you?!"

Alice's breath was gasping as she harshly (and not-so-subtly) whispered, "It's an OUT. HOUSE. Bella, they don't even have running water here? Omigod, we're gonna DIE."

Carlisle's laughter erupted from the other side of the cab. "Now, Miss Alice, ther' ain't no reason to be screamin' like a buzzard, now. That there outhouse hasn' been used in a good twinny-five years. My great granpappy built it when he built this here farm from the ground up more 'n a hunnert years ago, I reckon. I like to leave it as a 'minder of ma roots. We Cullens remember where we come from."

Alice visibly relaxed, thought it was obvious to all she was unnerved. Finally, Carlisle pulled up next to the house and threw the truck into park. "Let's get you ladies fed, now!" He jumped out of the truck and ambled around to open the door Alice was fighting against. "It sticks from time to time, ma'am, I apologize."

"PLEASE don't call me ma'am!" The words came out a little abruptly. Bella elbowed her after climbing down with the help of Carlisle's hand. "I'm sorry, I mean, uh, it makes me feel old." She laughed apologetically. "Please call me Alice."

"Miss Alice, I 'pologize," he said with a genuine smile. "Ladies, if you'll follow me, I'm sure my niece Rosie has a pile biscuits 'n' gravy, eggs, grits 'n' more waitin' fer us."

Gripping Bella's arm, Alice trailed behind like being led to slaughter. Once inside, she was transported to the Country Home magazine showpiece. "Oh God, Bella," she whispered. "It's the Grand Ole Opry in here."

"Oh for chrissakes, Alice!" Bella chided softly, steps behind Carlisle. "It's quaint, and...and charming. Focus on the amazing antiques in here. Surely you can appreciate that."

Slowing her brain momentarily to zero in on the massive oak desk in the corner, and the other several hand-carved (no doubt) pieces of furniture speckling the great room, Alice relaxed just a little bit more. Okay, not that much. "Too many doilies, for my taste."

Bella shook off Alice's deathgrip and entered the kitchen to a massive spread of glorious southern home-cooking.

Rosalie flitted from stove to counter to table with dizzying grace and precision, before stopping like she ran into an iceberg, with the cold glare to match. "What in THE hell, Uncle C?"

Carlisle chuckled as he rolled his eyes. "Rosie, we have some guests for breakfast, today. This is Bella," he began, gesturing to her, and then Alice. "And Alice. Their car broke down not far from the fishin' hole when I came across 'em. Coo—uh, damn— Emmett's towin' it here right quick."

Rosalie nodded sharply before turning back to the food, perhaps slamming a plate or dish as she went. Alice and Bella certainly did not feel the chill had left.

"Where're the boys?" Carlisle asked, craning his neck to check down the hall.

"How the hell should I know?" Rosalie snapped, keeping her eyes focused on the task at hand. "Them idgits done scurred the rooster this mornin' when they high-tailed it outta here."

As if on cue, a bright orange Dodge Charger came speeding up the driveway, kicking up dirt in every direction. A loud "Yeeeeeeehawwww!" hollered from one of the open windows as the car slid sideways to stop within feet of the barn. Two strapping young men clad in skintight Levi's hopped deftly out through the windows and came barreling through the door, only to stop dead in their tracks once they hit the kitchen.

**Now, before we git all uppity into introductions, can I just tell y'all how many times Carlisle has hollered at them boys 'bout their manners? Flyin' in like their britches is on fire ain't gonna make him none too happy, seein' as how they got company an' all.**

**Oh, and did I mention before how many wimmin' folk those Cullen boys have to beat off with a stick? To say they was handsome would be like sayin' moonshine's just a little too strong for Sunday service.**

**Folks if'n I was you, I'd stayed tuned in cause I do believe the air in the kitchen just got heavier than Aunt Lulamay's fruitcake, and Rosie is wieldin' a knife!**

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A/N: REVIEWS MAKE US REV OUR ENGINES. :D


	2. Country Life

**sounds of guitar-strummin..."Just-a good ole boys..."**

**Mama, what're you doin'? I'm busy 'ere! I tol' you, Mama, I'm a-tellin' stories!**

**No, they ain't gon' show my face on the TV...it's a thing on the interweb...I'm a balladeer, Mama! Now, git - I'ma tryin' t' write a song...**

**Pardon me, folks...I's gettin' a little inspired tellin all about some o' ma fav'rite people. Where was I, now? Oh yes...**

**Last time we saw the Cullens, them boys were all frozen on the threshold, like two deer in the headlights of a 4x4 with a passel o' beer-crazed hunters standin' in the bed. Let's take a look-see at how that turns out...**

"Goll durnit, Edward!" Rosalie shouted, flinging a wooden spoon covered in gravy at his head. "D'ya have to come rushin' in here like a damn turnader? Y'all prolly brought half the road in 'ere!"

"Hush up, now, Rosie," Carlisle held his hand out to her to be quiet. "Boys, I done told you a thousand times—"

"Uncle C, we 'pologize," Jasper interjected with quite the forced cherubic grin. "We was hungrier than Rosie on PMS, and—"

Jasper ducked just in time to miss another dirty utensil that came flying. Good thing, too, because that knife was just sharpened. Pulling it from the wall with both hands, he smirked and licked the grease on the side. "Mmm, I love bacon."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Carlisle stood before another weapon could take flight. He took a place between the boys and Rosalie. "We have guests! Jasper, Edward, go clean up. I don't even wanna guess what trouble yer into today already."

**Now, Edward ain't a shy boy, but his attentions bin fish-hooked by the pretty lil' doe-eyed lass sitting in his usual chair. She mighta been fancyin' him, too, but she wun't gon' admit it.**

A quick smack to the back of the head by Jasper, and Edward was no longer mute. "Dammit, Jas, if'n you hit me, you best—"

"BOYS!" Carlisle's eyes burning holes in their head told them he meant business. A couple of mumbled sorrys and they were off. "Please excuse my nephews, ladies," he said, turning to Alice and Bella. "Sometimes they're—"

"Jus' plain ignert."

"Rosalie!" Carlisle was clearly becoming exasperated by the sheer lack of manners his brood were exhibiting in front of guests.

"Excuse me, what?" Alice piped up, looking at Rosalie.

"What?" She responded, her face in a mild sneer.

"They're just plain what?"

"Ignert. Y'know, they ain't got the sense God gave a turd," she explained as if it should be totally obvious. Carlisle sighed and took his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose. Bella was quietly shaking in her seat, trying to contain her laughter.

"Oooh, you mean ig-no-rant." Alice smiled, but it died a quick death from the glare she received in return. "Sorry."

Rosalie finished dressing the table with the bowls, plates and pans of food. As the final dish touched down, Emmett burst through the door like a bull.

"Howdy, y'all!" He boomed.

"Emmett, I din't hear you drive up!" Carlisle turned in his seat.

"That's 'cuz I din't come in sideways like some folks," he replied, and winked at Rosalie. She rolled her eyes in response. "Mmm-MMMM! Miss Rosalie, I tell ya, you must love me to make such durn good eats!"

"Dammit, Cooter, durn near e'body calls me Rosie," she snarled. Alice mouthed "Cooter?" at Bella, who bit her lips together in response.

"Well, I'm just tryin' to stand out from the crowd, honey."

"Smellin' like you done fell in a grease pit does ya just fine."

That was it. Bella lost it and burst into full-out guffaws. Half-voiced apologies tried to come out, but the laughter took all her breath. Alice couldn't help it and dissolved into her own fit of giggles.

"Cooter, could you not hit on our cousin right now? We're 'bout to eat," Edward shot as he reappeared in the kitchen with Jasper in tow.

"Boys, he couldn't hit on me with a baseball bat," Rosalie said with a smirk in Emmett's direction, who scowled.

"Your name is Cooter?" Alice asked with a mild look of disgust, though still giggling.

"Ladies, I can't apologize enough, but allow me to innerduce my family proper-like," Carlisle began while he stood. "This here's my niece Rosie, as you no doubt figgered." Rosalie performed the only sarcastic curtsy in history. "Cooter, or 'Crazy Cooter' as he was nicknamed by his granpappy years ago, is actually Emmett McCarty. He's practically a Cullen, jus' not by blood, and our resident mechanic genius."

Emmett smiled wide, popping his dimples, until Rosalie's snort registered in his ears. He shot her a wink. She groaned.

Carlisle gestured finally to the boys against the wall. "And these are my nephews Edward and Jasper."

Edward stepped forward and bowed slightly. "Howdy, ladies." A tiny smile knocked his lips crooked. Bella's mouth took a turn in response.

Jasper tipped his hat, copped a grin, and said, "Pleasure t'meet ya both."

Carlisle took Edward by the shoulder and directed him to a chair. "Ed, why don't you take this seat by Alice, here...and, Jas, you over there next to Bella."

The boys exchanged looks briefly before shrugging and moved to sit down.

"And get that damn hat off yer head!" Rosalie smacked the hat herself, and it flipped forward. Jasper caught it in his hand. "I know you's born in a barn, but damn boy!"

Alice shot a panicked look at Bella, mouthing, "Is she serious?"

"I tell ya, I'm so hungry I could eat a grizzly," Emmett bellowed, plopping into an empty chair next to Rosalie, who quipped, "Not if 'e ate you first, an' I'll tell ya who I'm bettin' on."

"Well, dig in." Rosalie gestured to the food. "Ain't like there's some ceremony er sumthin. Oh, and Emmett," she overemphasized his name, "try to use yer fork once in a while. We don' wanna scare the city-folk."

Alice rolled her eyes before scouring the dishes for something she could eat. Bella began dishing hash browns and bacon, and before long, Alice couldn't resist doing the same. The sounds of happy grubbing overtook the table.

"Well I'll be, cuzzin," Jasper said as he tipped his chair back on its hind legs and simultaneously rubbed his belly. "I think these girls can give Coo—er, Emmett, a run for his money in the eatin' department."

Twin snorts came from Rosalie and Emmett's side of the table, but Jasper's attention was rapt on Alice, who was filling her plate again. "You ever eat real Southern food, 'afore, darlin'?" He asked her, clearly amused at her appetite.

"We have bacon in the north," she said genuinely, chomping on a strip as she spoke.

Jasper chuckled, but before he could respond, Rosalie jumped in again. "He meant the biscuits 'n' gravy, honey."

"Oooh, it's sooooo good, Rosie," she spoke through a mouthful of biscuit. Alice's mood had clearly made a turn thanks to a full—very full—belly. Her use of "Rosie" got Bella's attention, whose eyes went wide.

"It is delicious, thank you," Bella chimed in. "Um, Mr. McCarty—"

Before she could even state her question, the entire table, save Alice, erupted into hysterics. Edward choked on his hash browns, while Jasper nearly spit up orange juice on the floor. Carlisle lobbed a whack between his shoulder blades, and Rosalie fell sideways into Emmett's heaving shoulders. Bella was beet-red by the time airways cleared and breath returned to the Cullen lot.

"Hot damn, I have not laughed that hard in so long..." Edward wiped tears from his eyes. "Thank you, Miss Bella."

"Please, ma'am, call me Emmett," he said, his own slight blush fading. "I ain't never been called Mr. McCarty—that's my pappy." Like a bunch of giggling pre-teens, the laughter rebounded at the sound of the words. "Shut yer pie holes, y'all! Miss Bella has a question. Yes'm?"

Now visibly unsure, Bella had to dig a bit to get her question out. "I-I was just wondering what time you think our car will be ready?"

"Time?" His tone clearly indicated he thought she was joking. "Well, I'm real sorry, ma'am, but parts for Lammergeenies arn jus' rollin' round Hazzard like'm tumbleweeds. I took a quick look 'afore I hooked her up, and I think you mighta durn near dropped yer tranny!"

Rosalie scoffed instantly. "Dagnubbit, Cooter, I swears you got shit fer brains!"

"Rosie!" Carlisle hadn't given up on cleaning up the language yet. Rosalie clearly ignored him.

"I'll take a look at yer car and make sure this hayseed ain't done screwed anything up for ya," Rosalie assured the girls.

"What do you know about sports cars?" Alice's paranoia was back. "I mean, I could make a call and—"

"I WILL TAKE CARE O' THAT VEE-HICKLE, JUS' FINE!" Emmett hollered, as he stood. "Why y'all actin' like I don' know my job? Gawd! I'll be at the garage."

Emmett turned quickly to Rosalie, taking her hand in his and kissing it, before telling her, "Thank you fer breakfast, Miss Rosalie."

The tiniest and briefest of smiles ghosted her lips before she smacked his hands and hissed, "Gitcher ass outta here, Cooter. I'll come by later to check yer handiwork."

"Or maybe get some hand-work," Jasper mumbled to Edward under his breath. Unfortunately for him (though fortunate for the entertainment of all others at the table), Rosalie heard and nailed him in the arm with her fist. "Damn, woman, yer meaner 'n a viper in need of a root canal!"

**Hooooo-eee. I never thought I'da seen the day when Cooter McCarty would go to caterwaulin' like a riled up she-bear. That Rosalie shor'nuff prickles him up like he's been a'rollin in a poizon ivy patch. I wonder what that little comment Jasper made was about? Didja ever get the feelin' you was being left out of the loop?**

"Can we help you clean up or anything, Rosie?" Bella seemed to have recovered from her embarrassment.

"What? Oh gosh no, yer comp'ny. 'Sides, these boys need to git outta my kitchen afore one of'm loses sumthin' he's permanently attached to." She shot a look towards the boys that could've frozen the fiery pits of hell.

The two of them leapt out of their chairs, hands hovering over their crotches, and glared at Rosalie. Jasper jabbed Edward in the ribs and gave him a meaningful look. Clearing his throat he asked, "Would, uh, you ladies like to take a stroll 'round the farm?"

Alice gave a brief cry and looked to her feet. Bella rolled her eyes at her.

"Give us a minute to change our shoes." She glared at Alice, daring her to say something to the contrary. Grabbing her hand, she dragged Alice out to Carlisle's truck to find appropriate farm footwear.

"Bella, I don't think I have anything that I'm willing to get shit-covered."

"Well, I suggest you make a sacrifice to the shoe gods then Alice, because I for one am certainly going to."

With a small tear leaking from her eye, Alice reached into the bed of the truck and grabbed her designer shoe carrier. A few minutes later Bella was wearing a pair of tennis shoes (yes, she runs, and doesn't do it in heels!) and Alice was frowning over two pairs of ballet flats.

"Oh, Christ on a donkey, Alice! Go with the black ones, they're easier to replace and show less dirt." The little pixie quickly flipped Bella the bird and put the shoes on.

The fellas chose that moment to step out onto the porch. Looking over to where the two red-blooded specimens of many a girls' wet dreams stood, Bella tapped Alice on the shoulder, pointed and smiled. Alice put on a come-hither smirk and crossed her arms. The boys practically fell over themselves, pushing the other out of the way to get down the stairs. Hammering each other with looks of blame, they strode towards the girls.

"Darlin', may I?" Jasper drawled, reaching out a hand to Alice. She let out a soft sigh and took his hand. He grinned devilishly at her.

Edward sidled up to Bella. "Sugar, would you allow me?" He mimicked Jasper's move and Bella graciously accepted.

The four of them moved off toward the barn, with the boys pointing out smaller sheds and a stream as they walked. It was a rather large barn and looked as though it was older than the house. It had several additions that made the haphazard persona of the building even more ominous.

"Is that thing safe?" Alice inquired, her eyes filled with fear.

"Of course it is, darlin'! Safer than a babe in its mother's arms. Don't you fret, I wouldn't let nuthin' happen to ya." His grin gave her a little comfort, but his husky tone stirred up more than a few other thoughts in her head.

Edward and Bella were walking behind them and talking quietly. As they approached the big double doors on the barn, a loud squeal erupted from its interior.

"What the hell was that?!" Alice was suddenly standing behind Jasper peeking from behind his broad back. Jasper and Edward threw their heads back in laughter.

"That, darlin', is Sassy, and she's a bit pissed 'bout her breakfast being late, I reckon." Edward approached the doors first with Bella in tow. Her feet were slowing when he reached for the latch.

"Is she going to charge out at us or something? I don't want to be run over." Bella's voice was apprehensive.

"Well, if she's done gone an' rooted her way outta her pen again you can smack Jasper. He was s'posed to fix it three days ago." A small crooked grin played around his lips, as he flung the doors open.

A cacophony of sounds assaulted the girls' ears. Squealing, clucking, baa-ing, moo-ing and even a nicker from an old gray mare standing in the corner greeted them.

"Wow. I have never heard such...noise." Bella looked into the gloom of the barn and then wrinkled her nose. "Ew. It smells too."

"I am so not going in there if it smells." Alice was now being dragged to the barn by Jasper.

"Relax, darlin', Din't I say I'd take care of ya? C'mon, it's just fresh air."

"Oh, I'll bet it's fresh alright." She grimaced at the thought of what was fresh. He chuckled at her and put his arm around her tiny frame to hold her close in a protective manner.

Bella stood not far from where Edward was throwing corn down for the chickens to peck at. There were probably two dozen of them eagerly scratching for a handout.

"Jasper, you take Alice over t'meet Sassy, she likes you better, anyhow." Edward chucked his thumb over at a pen on the other side of the barn.

They walked toward the pen, where the squealing was now reaching epic proportions.

"Grab that bucket there, darlin'." Jasper pointed at a bucket that looked worse than an un-flushed stall at a biker bar. She pointed at it and looked at him.

"You want me to touch THAT?" There went that chuckle again.

"What? Is it too heavy?" He was obviously enjoying her discomfort.

"UGH! No, it's not too heavy you...you moron—it's gross!" His grin widened and he reached past her to pick up the slop bucket.

"I were only teasin' ya, darlin. We cain't have you gettin' all dirty, then we'd haf'ta get ya clean." His innuendo, as hick as it sounded, was not lost on Alice. She raised an eyebrow and smirked at him.

Their attention was drawn back across the barn as Bella let out a giggle. She was laughing at Edward as he tried to explain to her how to milk a goat. "First ya warm up yer hands, little Jessie here don' take kindly to cold hands, then ya jus' grab the teat…" Bella was biting her lip furiously, stifling giggles quite unsuccessfully. "Then you stroke down and give a gentle squeeze…" Bella was turning ten shades of red by now, and her giggles were giving way to snorts and belly laughs.

"What's so funny, Sugar?" His crooked grin said he knew exactly what was funny, but pretended to ignore it. She was full on chortling now, and nothing would stop her short of an earthquake.

"Don't you worry yer pretty li'l head, Jessie, I won't let'er get ya." He spoke to the goat as if he were protecting her from the laughing maniac at his side. He finished up his chore with a no-nonsense familiarity and snatched up the bucket before the two kid goats could drink it all. "I think y'all will like this part better."

He reached up on a shelf and brought down two large baby bottles. Filling each, he handed one to Alice and the other to Bella. He pointed them to another pen with two young lambs inside. Jasper stepped over the short wall and picked up one, while Edward grabbed the other.

"Um, we get to feed them?" Jasper simply nodded his head. Alice seemed to be much happier with this chore. She quickly held the bottle up for the lamb to suck on. A sweet smile graced her face as she looked at Jasper, amazed.

"I'm feeding a lamb!" She squealed in delight. The smile on Jasper could light fires.

"Can I hold her—er, him?" Bella asked, awkwardly holding out her arms.

Edward kicked a small stool to her. "Ya might wanna sit, Sugar. They're squirmier than a night crawler 'til they settle in."

She sat down, and he placed the lamb in her lap. As it began to pull on the bottle, she gave him an award-winning smile. Both the girls were silent, but beaming with contentment while the lambs fed.

"Well, I don't know about y'all, but I could use some lemonade." Jasper licked his lips pointedly and held out his hand to Alice. "C'mon, Miss Alice, I bet Rosie has some made in the fridge."

The boys led the girls to a small outdoor table under a large oak tree and disappeared inside to fetch the refreshments.

"Bella, is it just me, or are these two just the hottest pieces of manflesh you've ever seen?" Alice fanned herself as she sat.

"The crotchsplosions are imminent, captain!" She replied in her best Mr. Scott Star Trek voice.

"It's a bit idyllic, isn't it? Hot, gentlemanly...uh, gentlemen. OK, some of that nasty barn shit can go, but I can handle some cowboy action."

"Well, we've only been here a few hours, maybe this is the calm before the storm."

"Calm?" Alice looked at her like she sprouted fur. "Were you at breakfast?"

Jasper made his way back out the door with a tray holding a pitcher of lemonade and four glasses of ice. It was just so cliché, like a Country Time lemonade commercial. Edward followed a moment later with two banjos in his hands.

"Y'all want some?" Jasper graciously offered them drinks first, winking at Alice.

Both ladies nodded their heads. Their gazes, however, had zeroed in on the banjos Edward carried.

"OH. MY. GOD," Alice declared in a hushed voice, leaning into Bella. "We're gonna die. This is Deliverance. You heard the pig squealing in there, right? We're gonna be sodomized and DIE."

**Well shit fire and save the matches folks. Them girls seem to think they done got themselves in a right heap o'mess. I don't know about y'all but I'ma thinkin' that Miss Alice tends to be one'a them shoot first and ask questions later kinda people. I reckon what I mean to say is, who offers lemonade to a person they intend to sodomize? And just what in tarnation does that mean anyhow? I better go find me a dictionary...**

**Damn Yankees an' them there fancy words…**

A/N: Don't worry y'all. Alice is just a fish outta water! :) Reviews are like LEMONADE on a hot summer's day.


	3. A New Perspective

A/N: Thanks to everyone reading this bit o' fun! Big thanks to Lulubelle28 for dotting the t's and crossing our eyes. or somethin' like that. Also big ups to the Unicorn Brigade...say the prayer before you begin ladies...;P Without further ado, Miss Shalu and myself present another chappie o' down-home goodness...

**Well folks, I went and found that there dictionary and I ain't even gonna begin to say what I think a'that "Sodomized" word.**

**Anyhoo, it's about time we checked back in to see what them boys are up to. Banjo music and lemonade. I think I might go see if momma has some lemonade in the fridge…**

Rosalie bounded through the back door, waving a hand at the group as she headed over to a Jeep parked next to a tree. Alice's eyes followed her, noting in particular the incredibly short denim skirt and the red, stacked-heel platforms she wore. Within seconds, she tore down the driveway, squealing her tires once she hit the asphalt on the road.

The girls exchanged looks as Edward handed a banjo to Jasper, who had finished pouring and serving the lemonade.

"Y'all like music, right?" Jasper slung the strap around his back and began twisting the knobs to tune, picking at various strings simultaneously. Twings and twangs assaulted the girls' ears.

"Sure," Bella answered softly. Alice remained frozen and speechless. And maybe clenching her rear cheeks a little too tightly, each pluck almost making her wince.

"See if y'all know this one," Edward offered, finishing his own ministrations on his instrument. He nodded at Jasper, who smirked and tapped his foot to count off.

Alice leaned in and whispered aside to Bella, "Not likely." Bella rolled her eyes and giggled in response.

The rapid plucking of notes spilled over the air as the girls prepared a polite response. Alice was sipping the lemonade when the tune became familiar. Bella let out a guffaw, as Alice choked on the beverage. It was the theme song to The Beverly Hillbillies.

Jasper and Edward both unleashed brilliant smiles, brimming with mischief, and enough to make girly knees go weak, were they standing. Bella smacked Alice on the back, a bit too hard, perhaps.

"Perfect tune for the banjo, ya know," Edward said, with a snicker.

"I couldn't remember the lick from Deliverance, so we figured this'd be jus' fine." Jasper leaned in toward Alice and whispered, "'Sides, I wouldn't wanna scare 'way such beautiful creatures."

Bella's eyes went wide; it was the first time she remembered her friend Alice blushing so brightly. Alice stuttered to atone for the earlier remark, but the boys looked at each other and quietly decided on another.

"Maybe this is what you were expecting?" Edward started picking out "Foggy Mountain Breakdown," and Jasper followed suit. Alice's red cheeks got brighter. Bella's laughs got louder. She and Edward locked eyes, and he winked. Her laughs slowed, and she beamed a broad smile.

Jasper stopped playing and moved to sit next to Alice on the picnic table. "I'm sorry, Sugar. We're just teasin' ya. Got a request, sweetheart?"

She looked up at him, shyly, feeling seven shades of self-conscious. "I-I don't...I don't know any country songs," she barely squeaked out.

"It don' gotta be country, Miss Alice," he replied. "What's yer favorite song?"

Alice looked around in semi-disbelief. Her expression shifted to a knowing smirk, a challenge clearly forming. She finally managed to answer. "How about 'Back in Black'?"

Jasper's eyebrows rivaled the height of Edward's, but in no time, they began striking the familiar chords of AC/DC. Jasper handled the lead riff. When Alice's face dropped in shock, they dissolved into laughs. "Not the most fun to sing, but a good song. Let's see if you know this one," Edward spoke through his chuckles, and mumbled something to Jasper.

Moments later, their skillful strums tickled out "Hotel Yorba" by the White Stripes. Bella gasped; they were one of her favorite bands. Alice echoed her reaction and looked at her. Their smiles were huge as they both relaxed a bit more. They drank their lemonade and bopped along to whatever tune, new or old, the boys played.

After a number of songs, and the entire pitcher of lemonade, Carlisle emerged. "Ladies, if y'all like, I can take you over to Cooter's garage," he paused upon Alice's giggle at the name "Cooter." "I reckon yer wantin' to see 'bout yer sports car."

Alice yelped at the reference to her car. "Oh! Yeah, I almost forgot."

"She totally forgot," Bella muttered under her breath to Edward, who'd sat down next to her at some point during the impromptu concert.

"We can take 'em," Edward volunteered, his voice breaking on the cackle he swallowed after Bella's comment.

"I need y'all boys to finish up in the barn, like ya promised me," Carlisle instructed. "I'll get the girls to town and pick up the groceries fer supper. Otherwise, Rosie might have my hide."

**Them boys've been werkin' harder than a one-legged man in an ass kickin' contest to impress 'em some citygirls. And b'lieve me, folks, it's not goin' unnoticed. Now, I wonder what's happenin' over at Cooter's garage...**

Carlisle pulled the truck up to the open bay door. "Nah, I'ma gonna pick up some fixin's for supper, but I'll be back in a few for y'all, awright?"

"Thanks, Mr— I mean, Carlisle," Bella blushed at her slip. Alice was already out of the truck and halfway inside. Bella turned back to him and smiled in apology. "Alice is, um, a bit attached to the car."

Carlisle smiled back and snickered. "S'alright, Miss Bella. I'll be back 'fore you can say pick-a-peck-a-pickled-peppers."

Bella stifled a laugh before closing the truck door and waving. She skipped forward to find Alice when she heard noises. She slowed as she draped her eyes over the Lamborghini and rounded the corner inside the door. Alice appeared from the inner wall, grabbed her by the elbow, and slapped a hand over her mouth. "Listen!" she hissed as quietly as possible, ducking them into a corner.

Bella strained her ears. Alice released her lips from the constraints of her hand and clasped her chin instead, jerking it to face the cracked office door. Breathy moans and grunts overrode each other. Bella snapped her eyes back to Alice, despite the stronghold she still had on her chin.

"God, baby..." A low growl indicated someone was about to, um...yeah.

"Is that...?" Alice began mouthing the question to Bella when a female voice cried out...

"EMMETT!!! Fuck..."

"Rosalie," they whispered to each other in unison, exchanging smug looks. The panting and groaning soon subsided, to be replaced by muttering and awkward curses. They heard some quick scrambling noises before Rosalie emerged through the door, yanking on the hem of her skirt.

Alice and Bella tried to appear casual with epic fail, but Rosalie froze and began stuttering. "I-I...uh, I was just, uh...I haven't...I-I...fuck!" She rushed up to them and gripped their arms with the strength of The Brute Squad.

"OK, LISTEN," she hissed. "You saw nothing, you damn well heard nothing, and you will say not a goddamn thang to nobody or, so help me Baby Jesus, you will be missin' limbs once I'm done with you. Hear me, Princess and the Pea?" The red hot pokers shooting from her eyes would've been enough to scare them if they hadn't been focused on the lack of circulation left in their arms.

"Yep!" squeaked Alice.

Bella, however, shook off the threat surprisingly fast enough to question, "So why are you so adamant about denying Emmett, when you're obviously into him?"

Luckily for Rosalie, and perhaps Bella, too, Emmett chose that moment to exit his office. The shock of seeing Rosalie still there was slight, but he masked it well enough. "Howdy, ladies. I 'spect yer wantin' to know 'bout yer car....That is a mighty fancy automobile."

Rosalie rolled her eyes and stalked off to the Jeep, squealing out within seconds. Emmett cleared his throat and swallowed almost audibly as the girls raised their eyebrows at one another. Soldiering past the unease and unsaid, Emmett briefly explained the issues with the vehicle damage. The transmission was blown, and he'd already spoken with a parts importer in Atlanta, who had ordered the part for him.

"Sorry to say," he continued, wiping his brow, "it's gonna be a good week a'fore it gets here. Could be sooner, but I couldn't garrn-tee."

**Now, you can be sure that Miss Alice wun't too charmed by this bit o' news. But as my pappy used t'say, wish in one hand an' shit in th'other to see which'un fills up first…**

**Cooter dun' did 'is best to promise a good fixin' as fast as he's capable, but the prospect o' bein' stuck in Hazzard for at least a week wun't too thrillin' for these citified girls. Lucky fer them, then, that there might be a distraction waitin' back at the farm...**

The ride back was a bit quiet. Alice was stewing over the bad news about her car.

"Alice, I told you you should've learned to drive a stick a little better before this trip—" Bella was immediately cut off by Alice's "look of death."

"Fine. But that's how you drop a transmission."

"I wasn't the only one driving, Bella," Alice spoke through her teeth.

Carlisle hated to see these two friends at each other's throats, so he refused to let this go on any longer. "Ladies, please don't get yer panties in a twist. Now, I am sure sorry you're in such a predicament, but allow me to offer y'all a room at the house while yer in town."

Alice huffed and stared out the window. Bella, growing tired of Alice's tirades, turned to Carlisle and offered her thanks. "I'm sure we'll be fine in a hotel or something."

He didn't mean to, but he bust out laughing. Bella, again, turned three shades of pink. "I'm sorry to laugh, Miss Bella, but there ain't no hotel for miles. Maybe 'bout an hour east. Ol' Miss Stanley's got a bed and breakfast about 20 minutes outside of town, but that's about it. If y'all'd be more comfortable, I'll be happy to take y'out there..."

"No, no...We really appreciate your hospitality, Mr. Cull—I mean, Carlisle. I hate to impose," Bella said.

"Nonsense, young lady, it's a pleasure." He winked as they pulled up at the house once again. Inside, Rosalie was waiting.

"I took yer bags upstairs, gals," she smiled a bit too widely. "Follow me, and I'll show ya yer rooms."

Carlisle stared after her, open-mouthed. The phrase "invasion of the bodysnatchers" might have come to mind.

"Here y'are," Rosalie waved them into a large bedroom overlooking the stream behind the yard. The windows were large and light streamed in, creating a warm glow throughout the room. There was a wrought-iron bed at the far end of the room and a day bed under the windows. "Bathroom's across the hall, if y'all wanna...wash up."

With that, Rosalie left them to their own devices. Alice looked out the door as if E.T. just left. "What the fuck did that mean? Do I smell?"

Bella was stuck to the windowpane, silent, mouth agape. "Uh, I think she's trying to buy our silence."

"Why's that?" Alice snorted. "Bella?"

Stomping over (as loud as tiny little Alice could stomp), she again addressed her friend. "Helloooo? What's your damage, Heather?"

Finally, she followed Bella's gaze down toward the yard. "Oh. My. God. This room is now my favorite place on earth."

The angle of their window provided a great view indeed. Of Jasper. In the outdoor shower stall on the back of the barn.

He stood beneath the stream with his eyes closed, lathering soap along his chest. Alice's mouth dropped when she noticed all of his...artwork. He had a tiny tattoo just over his heart she couldn't quite make out at this distance, but the half-sleeve was evident: a Japanese-style dragon and tiger fighting one another. Her eyes slid over his body stopping at his hip, at the consummate "V" that beckoned her gaze lower, if only it wasn't blocked by the damn stall door. (Apparently, she'd need to be on the roof to get the full view). On his hip were crashing waves reminiscent of Hokusai's The Great Wave.

Bella started giggling, and Alice realized she was sitting across the room on the bed. "What?"

"Why don't you go see if he needs help washing his back?" Bella snickered. "Or his front."

Alice looked back down and thought it wasn't a bad idea. Then, as if he could feel her stare, he looked up and locked eyes. And winked.

**Boy, oh boy, I think Miss Alice done got an eyeful. O'course, if I were a bettin' man (and I am), I'd be abettin' she wanted to see a bit more o'them waves…**

**I'm also bettin' that them boys got a plan cooked up fer after dinner. I wonder if it has anything to do with a certain local waterin' hole?**


	4. Night Life

A/N: Whoa! Sorry it's been so long, y'all! We've both got other stories, and I guess time just got away from us. Thanks to criosa for luvin' up the betafication. Cheers to all our UUbitches who keep us going. Hope y'all enjoy! Yeeehaww!

**Momma, keep yer durn eyes covered! No, I mean it…**

**Okay, so Miss Alice got herself an eye-full there didn't she?**

**Do y'all wonder where Edward done gone and went?**

**I'ma wonderin' what Rosalie is fixin' fer dinner…**

Bella watched Alice turn fifteen shades of tomato before she decided to take a shower herself. First grabbing some clothes, she stepped out of the room, leaving Alice staring open-mouthed out the window.

She stepped across the hall to the room Rosalie had pointed out earlier as the bathroom. Just as she grabbed at the doorhandle, it swung inward to reveal a freshly showered Edward in the doorway. He wore nothing but a pair of low slung, faded Levi's with a button fly. Oh yeah, she done looked. Beads of moisture still clung to his skin like early morning dew on the grass.

Her mouth was working like a fish outta water. Open. Close. Open. Close. She knew it was her turn to put tomatoes to shame with her pretty blush.

"Well, Sugar, are you gonna take a shower or stand there? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure that I could figure sumthin' better to do, if you're of a mind to." A crooked little grin graced Edward's face as Bella finally caught her breath.

"Would this sumthin' you had in mind require me needing a shower afterwards? Because I think it could be skipped." Her eyes revealed her slip as a shocked expression crossed her face like she'd stepped outta the fryin' pan and into the fire.

Edward's head fell back as he huffed pitifully. "Lordy, woman. Yer gonna be the death of me if you keep talkin' like that. I suggest you take a shower now." Bella noticed his eyes had taken on quite the mischievous look. She quickly stepped into the bathroom and shut the door. Then she noticed there wasn't a lock or even a hook to make sure the door would stay shut.

"Don't worry, Miss Bella, I'm a complete gentleman." His slow drawl came through the door quickly followed by his chuckle and footsteps retreating down the hall.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Rosie, this dinner looks good enough to eat!" Jasper grabbed his cousin up in a tight hug before settin' her back on her feet.

"Well, I damn sure hope so...gol'durn eejit." But her grin gave away her harsh tone.

The table was burdened with all sorts of southern fried goodness and several foods the girls didn't recognize. Fried chicken, fried pork chops, fried potatoes, a bowl of what looked like wallpaper paste with chunks of dough floating in it, some green bean casserole thing with crunchy looking things on top, mac 'n' cheese, biscuits, cornbread, and a salad (just for something not so heavy). The salad stuck out like a sore thumb amidst all the artery-hardening platters.

"Chicken an' dumplin's! My favorite!" Edward sounded like a man who'd just found a sweet spot in a trout stream. He all but threw himself into his chair.

"Boys, we got guests! You best make sure they git served first." Carlisle sat down and gave a butt-blistering glare at the boys.

"Yessir," fell reverently from both of their mouths.

The girls took seats next to their favorite boys, and Rosie sat at the foot of the table. "Would you say the blessin', Jasper?" She asked him with a smirk.

"Um, sure." He squirmed a bit in his seat and then quickly spit out, "Good Food. Good Meat. Good God, let's eat!"

Everyone at the table erupted in laughter, except Carlisle. He looked like he was about to ask Jasper to go out back and get a switch off the hickory tree. Instead, he mumbled somethin' about dressing up a pig.

Rosalie rapped Jasper on back of the head for the second and, odds are, not the last time of the day.

There was little conversation at the table. Food was piled high and rendered down to scraps at least twice. The girls figured out that the "wallpaper paste" was actually very tasty chicken 'n' dumplings. Alice had thirds of that. The salad was the only thing that was left untouched.

"Boys, y'all need to clean this up. I have to go get ready for work, and I'm takin' the girls upstairs with me." Rosie stood and waved her hand at the stupefied girls. "C'mon! We gotta get ready."

She led them upstairs to her room at the end of the hall and opened the door. They stepped into an immaculate boudoir, done up in shades of blue. She sat on the bed and gave them a meaningful look. "I don't know what y'all saw or heard today, but I'd appreciate if you kept it under yer hats. Things ain't always black an' white."

Bella nodded, and Alice copied her. "Rosie, it's none of our business, truly. But I don't understand what the big deal is," Alice offered, taking a seat at a vanity covered in multitudes of girliness.

"It's just complicated, is all." A somewhat vulnerable look crossed her features, but it was too fast to be sure.

"It's okay, Rosalie. Our traps are shut." Bella gave her a sympathetic look.

"Thanks. I really do appreciate it." Her serious tone disappeared as she shifted gears. "So, the boys are bringin' y'all down to the Boar's Nest. Do yuns have anything to wear?"

"That depends. What is a 'Boar's Nest' and what happens there?" Alice asked, her eyes appraising Rosalie's shoe collection like it was a double-dip chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream cone. Or Jasper in the shower.

**Just in case, y'all ain't never been there, The Boar's Nest is the local hot spot. Beer, pool, a little dancin' and the occasional poker game. Well, the poker game is only if Roscoe is otherwise preoccupied. Cain't have the law breakin' up a game where yer trailer is on the line. Yer wife wouldn't really enjoy givin' up her dream home to BobbyRay. Don't ask me how I know that.**

"What'd'ya mean the doors don't open? What the hell kind of car has doors that don't open?" Alice was quickly regretting her choice of attire for the evening. Bella was quickly catching on and jumped into Edward's waiting arms, who hoisted her into the open window of the orange charger.

"Give me two minutes." Alice turned and ran back into the house.

"Oh, shit. You two might as well get comfy. Her two minutes is more like ten." Bella was leaning over the front seat watching Alice's retreating figure.

Twenty minutes later, and still no sign of Alice. "A'right, this has gone on long enough." Jasper's face was contorted into a scowl, and he looked like he was gonna bust a blood vessel soon.

Just as he turned to stomp into the house, the screen door opened, and she stepped out. Jasper's mood did an instant one-eighty. His grin grew wider than the blue sky.

Noticing her effect, Alice bounced down the front steps in a pair of super-low rise, skin tight dark jeans, coupled with a shirt from Rosalie's closet. It was a pink button-down blouse tied into a knot just below her bosom, showing off a fair amount of her sleek stomach. She finished off the ensemble with a well-worn pair of cowboy boots that Rosalie had pressed upon her earlier, though she had refused to wear them at the time.

Jasper looked like a lost ball in the high weeds.

"Okay, I'm ready now." Alice declared as she approached the driver's side of the car.

"Holy Moses and the saints." Bella and Edward snickered at Jasper's comment, but Alice apparently didn't hear him.

Jasper paused a beat before leaning down to pick Alice up and gingerly deposit her through the window. She slid down into the backseat next to Bella and smiled triumphantly.

The ride to the Boar's Nest flew by, as Jasper wasn't one to obey speed limits. The country roads jarred the car, and the trees and scenery flashed by in spurts of green and brown. When they pulled up in front of the building, Edward and Jasper hopped out and grabbed the girls as they climbed over the front seat and out the windows.

"Are y'all ready fer some fun?" Edward's crooked smirk made Bella grin.

"Do they have pool tables? I love to play pool. I'm not all that great at it though." Alice stifled a giggle at Bella's question, who gave Alice a "shut up" leer in return.

"Sure, Sugar. We can play some pool." Edward's arm casually draped over Bella's shoulders as they went in the front door.

The slightly smoky atmosphere welcomed them in, and they headed straight to the old, beat up bar. It had scars and gouges but was polished to a healthy shine. Rosalie stood next to it with a tray in hand, a cocky smirk tipping her lips.

"It's about time y'all got here."

"Sorry, Rosie. I had a wardrobe malfunction." Alice looked a bit abashed. Rosie took in her attire and smiled.

"Well, you look just right to me." Alice lit up like a firefly and bounced on her toes.

"Thanks."

"Darlin', what would you like to drink?" Jasper was gazing down at Alice with a fierce light in his eyes and a possessive hand on her hip.

"Um, I guess a beer? Bella, what are you going to have?"

Bella and Edward seemed to be lost in a little world of their own. Edward's head snapped sideways at her like she just spoke in Swahili. "Hm? Oh! I'll have a shot of Jack, please. What? I like whiskey," he responded to Bella's arched eyebrow, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"Make that two shots, Rosie." Bella matched his grin.

They made their way over to the pool tables, where several rounds of shots and beer later, the boys recognized that they'd had their asses handed to them by the pretty lil' pool sharks.

"Yer not all that great at it, huh?" Bella giggled at Edward's comment.

"Nope. I'm excellent at it! My dad taught me to play when I was six."

"Yeah, and she taught me to play in high school." Alice was well in her cups, though Bella wasn't looking near as fazed, though she'd been shooting Jack like it was water.

"I guess y'all deserve a reward." One would think that Jasper conceded defeat by his words, but for the wicked gleam in his eye. Edward caught the look, and as though he read his mind, he nodded.

"Ladies, would you accompany us to the bar, please?" Edward held out his arm for Bella to take, which she did, still giggling.

Jasper turned and lifted Alice by the waist, placing her on a bar stool. Bella stood next to her, looking quite curious.

"Rosie, can I get tequila shots?" Jasper said, a lightning-fast wink at Edward, who wiggled his eyebrows at Bella.

"What about us?" Alice squeaked. "I thought this was our reward."

"Oh trust me,darlin'...it is." Jasper picked the first shot off the bar. "Please forgive my reach, Miss Alice..." His voice trailed off as he leaned in awfully close to her neck, so much so she felt goosebumps where his breath caressed her.

He handed the shot to Edward and nodded. "Miss Bella," Edward began, a knowing smirk on his face, "would you mind hoppin' up 'ere on the bar?"

Rosalie was conveniently wiping it down at that very moment in prep, a matching smirk on her face. Bella's face was pricelessly alarmed. "Aww, c'mon, Sugar. I ain't gon' bite...'less ya want me to." His wink sent a hot streak all the way downtown. She breathed in deeply and complied. Staring in her eyes, he lightly pushed the shot glass into the slight space in her cleavage. She jumped a little, but her gasp told him she wasn't offended.

"Fuck me, body shots," Alice sighed wistfully. Bella's eyes went wide.

"Y'all right, Miss Bella?" Edward had not moved, still locked in her gaze.

"Uh..uh-huh..." Words failing, she nodded.

"Stay with me," he whispered. "I need ya to hold this, Sugar." He placed a lemon wedge between her teeth before leaning in to slide his tongue from her collarbone to her chin. He doused the moist trail with salt, quickly returning to the scene of the crime and removing the salt just how you'd expect.

Alice watched as Bella's eyes rolled back and closed as Edward's nose slowly trailed down until his lips circled the shot glass and lifted it from "the girls'" grasp and knocked the shot back. The glass dropped directly into his palm. He moved swiftly in and closed his lips over the lemon in Bella's mouth. His jaws flexed twice taking juice, before he leaned away with the wedge sticking out from his shit-eating grin. Bella was beaming and breathing quite hard.

"MY TURN!" Alice sat up rigidly from her perch, her eyes wide with excitement and fixed on Jasper. He met her eyes and swept his lips with his tongue.

"You mind layin' down there, sweetheart?" He tapped his fingers on the wood. Before he could ask twice, she was horizontal, her knees bent. Jasper snickered. Bella was hardly paying attention, her own tongue tasting lemon, tequila, and Edward on her lips.

Alice snatched the other lemon wedge and put it in her mouth in anticipation. "Played this game before, Miss Alice?" Jasper winked. Alice hoped she didn't leak her arousal onto the bar. She shook her head. "Catch on fast, then..."

He licked a wet trail from her bellybutton to just underneath the knot of her top. A little more than necessary for the salt, but...he liked extra salt. The salt ready, he grabbed the bottle and filled her navel with its nectar.

Slow lick. Lazy laps around the small pool at her midriff. Finally his lips met hers as he claimed his lemon. As he pulled away, Alice sat up with him, not willing to disconnect right away.

**Now folks, I don't know about yer local bars, but in a small town, new faces tend to draw a lot of attention. 'Specially when they look like them girls do. Not to mention what just happened. I think the boys could be in fer some interestin' times after that.**

Bella had dragged Alice over to the jukebox, where they were soon deep in conversation. Rosie sauntered over to them as Edward and Jasper looked on.

"Jas, son, I don't know 'bout you, but I don't think I'ma be happy when that car gets fixed." Edward tilted his beer back as Jasper gave him a conspiratorial look.

"Well, maybe it don't get fixed fer a while." Edward looked at Jasper, who kicked up his eyebrows.

"Man, I love the way yer mind works."

Jasper's grin turned sour when he looked toward the front door. "Sheeit."

Edward's head followed the direction of his black look and took in the sight walking in. Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, and Ben Cheney, the second to last three people in the county they'd ever hope to see.

The newcomers strolled up to the bar smackin' a few shoulders as they moved through the regulars. They were the county golden boys who treated anyone and everyone like they were lower than a snake in the grass. Oh, the irony.

"Well, well, well. Lookee here, fellas. If it ain't the Cullen boys." Tyler was speakin' to his buddies, but it was loud enough for most of the bar to hear. He spat the word Cullen out of his mouth as if it tasted of dead skunk. "I didn't think y'all was welcome here anymore."

"We're welcome here just fine, Crowley," Edward snapped back at him.

"Edward, do you smell the southbound end of a northbound mule?" Jasper was wrinklin' his nose.

Just as Tyler was about to make another remark, the crowd around them broke out into cheers and woo-hoos. All eyes turned towards the far end of the bar where the girls, including Rosalie, had jumped up onto the scarred surface. The opening strains of "Devil Went Down to Georgia" cried out from the juke box.

Edward and Jasper were stunned into silence. Maybe every other male in the bar, as well.

The girls broke into a wild dance, completely choreographed. Any woman in the bar knew it was from that movie Coyote Ugly. Rosie once watched it non-stop for three weeks, much to the boys' chagrin. Alice and Bella were obviously fans, too. Together, they were giving the crowd one hell of a show.

Bouncing. Stomping. Hootin'. Hollerin'. It looked like they had performed this a million times together.

"Hell, that car's gonna have permanent damage if I have anything to say about it." Jasper mumbled in delayed acknowledgement of Edward's earlier confession.

The song was coming to the end, and the girls were hamming it up more than ever. Their faces were flushed, and the joy and glee there was enough to power a small town. They stomped on the final notes, and the bar erupted in applause and cheers.

Jasper and Edward started in that direction when they noticed that The Unpleasant Three were already there. Tyler was helping Bella down, his hands coming dangerously close to her ass. Edward barely suppressed a growl at that, and a bit roughly, yanked Bella by the arm so that she stood behind him. Had she not sensed the growing tension, she may have unconsciously wrapped her arms around his torso and inhaled his scent.

Jasper stepped in front of Ben before he had the chance to touch Alice's outstretched hand. Confusion creased her brow as she remained standing on the bar.

Rosalie hopped down of her own accord and slapped Eric's face on her way around the bar (just for good measure).

"I'd introduce you to our guests, Cheney, but, well, I wouldn't want to be rude," Jasper snarled.

Ben took the bait. "How's that, Cullen?"

"I don't introduce my friends to assholes."

"Aw, hell," Rosalie muttered and headed behind the bar as the ruckus predictably broke out. Ben threw the first punch, missing the fast-moving Jasper, who countered with a fist to the gut. Tyler quickly followed suit shoving Edward, who stumbled into Bella, sending her flying backward through a row of stools.

"Bella!" Alice screamed from atop her perch, looking around for something to throw. Rosalie handed her a mostly-empty 'shine bottle. Alice looked back as if to say, "Seriously?"

When Rosalie nodded most seriously, Alice reared back and connected the bottle with Tyler's head. Extremely pleased with herself, she hopped up and down and clapped.

The entire bar had erupted in fights for no reason (as they always do, right?). Alice climbed down and hauled Bella out of the huddle she'd fallen in. Rosalie came out from behind the bar again and grabbed the girls by their arms.

"Y'all head out the back door," she ordered, picking up the phone. "Hop in m' Jeep. I'll be right out."

"What about—" Alice began to ask, her eyes following Jasper and the flailing punches Ben was currently trying to land. Jasper ducked and mule-kicked him, sending him careening through a line of tables. His megawatt grin told her he must've been enjoying himself.

"Yeah," Rosalie grumbled indignantly. "G'on. They's comin'."

Bella's troubled eyes stuck to Edward and his current lock with Eric as Alice dragged her by the hand through the melee. Moments later, they were in the Jeep, staring at each other. A minute later, Rosalie came out and was in the driver's seat with an effortless jump.

"Deputy Dipshit and his bumbling band of buffoons are sure to be 'ere any second. Them boys best git their asses out," she commented, laughing while she tore out of the parking lot like a bat outta hell.

**That's it, Edward! Hit 'em in the keisters...Jasper, watch out behind—er, uh...AHEM. 'Scuse me, folks. I was, uh, just helpin' the boys outta that predicament they found 'emselves in. Is that a siren I hear in the distance? Oh, hell naw! The law's a-comin', fellas! Run for the hills! I'll take care of the still, you get the 'shine and take off...**


	5. Early Mornin' Breakout

**…Ha, take that BobbyRay, you gol'durn, good fer nuthin', card cheatin', trailer stealin' ass…OH! Pardon me folks, I didn't see y'all there. I been a bit outta sorts lately, what with livin' out of doors and havin' to sacrifice my liver for the good of the community…that Carlisle makes the best damn whiskey. 'Scuse me fer one second.**

**(muted shufflin' sounds) Awww, Jenny don't be like that, Darlin' I tol' you I'd get it back, and I did. Fergive me, please? I know I done been gone fer four weeks, but it's back now, and I even repainted the front porch…OW! Okay, I'll let you get back to yer stories…**

**Sorry, fer the delay folks, I reckon we left off in the middle o' the bar brawl, which din't turn out too good fer the boys.**

Bella's stare was fixed at the end of the long dusty driveway. Nothing appeared. Her worried frown translated to a shuffling dance from foot to foot. Alice came running to the far end of the porch where Bella waited, glass in hand and ice cubes clinking.

"What is that?" Bella questioned her, pointedly looking at the drink.

"Mooooonshine," Alice crowed. "Rossslee ga'me sum."

"Bloody hell, Ali, you had enough at the bar. Now you're completely shitfaced!"

Rosalie's boots clipped along the floorboards. "Naw, I'd say she's about four or five sheets to the wind."

A spray of extremely strong alcohol heavily misted Bella, who ground her teeth behind her lips in annoyance. Lifting a hand to her face, she wiped the droplets and shook her hand at the floor. "Thank you, Alice. And Rosalie. That was mightily refreshing."

"'Mightily'? Sounds like you might just have some Suthern inya," Rosalie quipped, with a smirk.

"Nah yet, but she'ss plann'g on't sooniz Ewwerd giss back!" Alice's slurred punchline collapsed her to the ground in a fit of self-induced hysteria, spilling her unneeded drink all over Bella's shoes. Rosalie fought the giggles with a hand in front of her mouth and a heavy cough.

Bella grew impatient and stomped her foot. "It's been almost half an hour since we left! They should be back; aren't either of you worried?!"

Rosalie cocked an eyebrow and considered the question. "Worried? No. I'm pretty sure I know what happened." She swished her own glass of the "family recipe" and took a gulp. "Those bullheaded boys done got pinched. An' that ain't easy to do considerin' the one doin' the catchin'."

"What?! They got arrested?" Bella lost any calm she had. "What...what do we do? I have a little cash...I don't know if it's enough for bail..." She moved to go upstairs to check her purse, but tripped gracelessly over Alice's curled form. Alice, meanwhile, did not notice, as she was limper than a wet dishrag and completely unconscious.

The guffaws coming from Rosalie earned her a volcanic glare from Bella, but the effect was nil. "Honey," she said, her laughter reduced to giggles. "I ain't laughin' at yer spill, but at 'bail.' This is Hazzard. Ain't no such thang as bail."

The look of astonishment and near horror on Bella's face only made Rosalie laugh harder. The rise in excitement around the house brought Carlisle thundering down the steps in agitation.

"What in thee hell is goin' on out here, Rosalie Lillian Cullen?!" He hollered, fastening the belt on his flannel robe, and rubbing his eyes. "I kin only sleep through so many earthquakes 'fore I cain't sleep no more!"

Bella scrambled to her feet as Alice simultaneously popped from her solid ball on the ground, standing incredibly at attention. And saluting. "Occifer Aliss Murry Berndeen, 'porting fffduty!"

Bella and Rosalie both succumbed to the giggles this time, and within moments, Carlisle was holding his sides.

"Holy hell, Rosie, I done told you a thousan' times not to feed guests too much 'shine..." His chuckles were reined in a bit, but he couldn't fight them off completely. "Now, tell me what in tarnation is goin' on? And where're the boys?"

**Funny you should ask, Uncle C...**

"Had enough yet, Ben?" Jasper taunted. He turned to smirk at Edward, who was shotgunning a beer while sitting atop a struggling Eric. Tyler was still out cold from Alice's handiwork.

"I think I've had enough of you Cullen boys," a nasally voice sneered from the doorway. Sherriff Mike P. Newton. Chief pucker-up to Hazzard County Commissioner Aro Vulture, the resident moneybags and all-around bastard.

Edward caught Jasper's eye and mouthed, "Oh shit," complete with an eyeroll. "Well, if it isn't my favorite boy of the cloth, Michael 'Pussyboy' Newton," he sighed a contemptible response as he turned to face the door.

Newton's ears started to turn red and a goofy gurgling noise escaped his mouth as he chewed disturbingly on his lips. "Goldurnit, Cullen, my middle name is PURVIS!"

Both Cullen men laughed hardily. "Tha's not much better..."

"THA'S 'NOUGH NAH!" Newton erupted, his voice cracking at the end. His backup deputies Marcus and Caius swept into the room, attempting to look threatening. "Nah, ever'body else out! Bar's closed. 'Cept you Cullens, o'course!" He smiled sarcastically at Jasper.

Edward stood and released Eric. Jasper shoved Ben forward towards Tyler's still form. Ben shot him a look before he leaned down to smack Tyler across the face. He roused, and Ben pulled him to his feet. He fell over again.

"Git outta here," Newton muttered at the Unpleasant Three and turned back to throw his triumphant grin at Edward and Jasper.

"What the hell?!" Jasper yelled at their backs as they stumbled out the door. "They started it, they should—"

"HUSH!" Newton snapped, drunk on his authority. He pulled at his belt, hiking his already too-high uniform pants higher. Jasper snickered.

"Who you think you talkin' to, Newt, yer mama?" Edward countered, with an antagonistic tone and a simper on his lips.

"Oh, come on, now, Edward," Jasper said, mock-soothingly. "Mama Newton'd whoop his hide if he talked t'her like 'at!"

"ENOUGH!" Newton's puffy red face was near combustion point and his tight fists were balled up at his waist. He continued in a strained, high pitch. "Deputies, cuff 'em."

**Hell, folks. Looks 'ike Edward 'n' Jasper's headed to the jailhouse. Damn fools, always gotta git the last word...last punch. But, hear now, don't get yer panties too much in a twist, cuz there's other mischief afoot...**

Bella blushed. "I...I don't know, Rosalie, I mean...I usually don't act like this." She smiled shyly. With Alice tucked safely away in her bed and out cold, again, Rosalie went over her plan for "Operation Cullen Break" with Bella. Carlisle had also gone back to bed, after imparting a few nuggets of knowledge and then claiming he didn't want to know any details.

"Sweetie, you gots all the equipment," Rosalie retorted. "You jus' gotta flip some gears, tha's all! 'Sides, you'll knock ol' Newton into the middle o' next week with as li'l as a hip sway."

Rosalie muttered something about it taking less than that to completely capture Edward's attention, but Bella didn't quite catch it. She merely wrung her hands and gulped, digging deep for a bit of courage. "Why don't you do it, Rose? I mean, you'll have him eating out of the palm of your hand!"

Rosalie went in for the kill. "Cuz I'm not the one who makes Edward's heart go pitter-pat. And...hell, jus' truss me, city girl. Now, let's git some coffee in that little sprite and spring yer boys!"

Waking Alice was like squeezing blood out of a turnip: damn near impossible. The sun was coming up and Bella heard a rooster crow. She rolled her eyes around in her head and sipped on some of the coffee Rosalie brewed 'd made a pot of the blackest coffee Bella had ever seen and was all but funneling it down Alice's throat. Most of that first cup came back up, but the rest seemed to be taking effect, slowly but surely.

They went through the plan with her a few (hundred) times just to make sure her 'shine-soaked brain could retain it.

"Okaaaay, I'ma get this straight now. Bella an' I is gonna jailbreak the boys with our tits?" Alice's eyes were straining to focus and doin' a piss poor job.

"Sumthin' like that sugar," Rosalie said with a snort. "Now yer all dressed, let's git you inta the truck. It's almost eight o'clock and the ladies auxiliary meetin' starts in ten minutes!"

**Folks, I don't know 'bout y'all, but when three angry wimmin-folk get together an' start plannin' things to distract us poor unsuspectin' men-folk all I can feel is pain. An' that pain usually comes as a set of blue rocky mountain oysters.**

The girls followed Rosalie in Carlisle's truck. Rose would need a way to get back home if everything went as planned. It was a short drive to the sheriff's office, and Alice was still struggling to remain upright in her seat as Bella parked the truck down the block. Rose's Jeep had already turned the next corner and disappeared.

The office and jailhouse were all one building; old and brick, just like the rest of the town's structures. Directly across the street, city hall and the courthouse would have been mirror images if not for the latter's clock tower which seemed to be perpetually stuck at 11:23.

"Okay, Alice, can you at least try to walk? I can support you til we get in the door, then you're on your own."

"I got it! I just gotta keep the ped— ped— _deppity_ lookin' at me an' not the boys, right? " Alice asked, attempting to walk in a straight direction with epic fail, one arm was draped over Bella's shoulders, her free hand was repeatedly fidgeting with her hair and her boobs. "I lovin' this bra Rosie give t'me. It makes my tits look huge! I'ma goin' shoppin soon as we get back to livicization, and buyin' ten offem!"

Bella's forehead met her palm, and she thought for the hundredth time, _This is never going to work_. "Ready?" she asked and looked down at Alice, who was still in deep contemplation of her cleavage.

"I was born ready, Bells! Lesss go stidract some tun-gotin' cops with our sweater monsters!"

Bella rolled her eyes and mumbled "Oh, Christ" at her feet, taking in the stilettos, mini-skirt and halter top she was wearing that left nothing to the imagination. If this went off without a hitch, she was going to beat Rosalie within an inch of her life for giving Alice all that moonshine and talking her into this cockamamie scheme.

She grabbed the door handle and, with a "Here goes nothing" look, opened the door. Stepping into the air conditioning, she felt Alice's intake of breath and prayed that the cold air was helping to sober her up a bit more. They approached a tall counter that ran almost the entire length of the room. Seeing no one around, Bella slapped the bell resting on the counter.

Two doors flew open almost simultaneously: one to an office, the other to the bathroom. The man stepping out of the office shot a dirty look at the other. Not knowing who was who, she just addressed them both, pulling out her best ridonkulous flirt act.

"Um, hi! I, uh, my friend and I are lost, and she's not feeling too well…we were hoping someone could give us some directions?" She batted her mascara-laden lashes, hoping it looked innocent and _not_ like she had something in her eye.

The two officers stood there with short-bus expressions on their faces. Maybe this would be as easy as Rose made it sound. The taller one puffed up his chest and spoke first. "I'm Sheriff Michael P. Newton, ma'am. Can you service, er how can I be of service?"

Bella stifled a giggle. "Well, we were just passing through, and I got turned around, now I can't find my way back to the highway." She seductively placed her index finger on her bottom lip and thought of Edward, which made her blush a perfect shade of crimson. The sheriff gulped so loudly, you could've heard it a mile away. "And now, Alice isn't feeling well and I just don't know what to do."

Alice chose to remember her role at that moment and made a slight groaning noise, while hoisting her cleavage up and over the counter, making the deputy squawk like a strangled duck. "I think I need t'sit down."

The two men tripped over one another to get to the little half door and open it to bring the girls to their side of the counter.

"Sit over here."

"Here ma'am let me help you."

Their words jumbled out at the same time as they each reached out to give Alice a hand. She latched onto the deputy, turning to give Bella an exaggerated, owlish blink that was supposed to be a conspiratorial wink. Bella internally eye-rolled and hoped the men hadn't noticed.

Walking behind the counter she took in the rest of the office. Off to her left, she could see the jail cell and two sexy, slack-jawed and astonished southern boys sitting on a cot, card game forgotten between them. She glanced away quickly, knowing she couldn't give up the plan just yet.

Alice sat in a chair by a desk at the deputy's request as he tried to fetch her a cup of water. His eyes, however, were drawn to her boobs, so he kept moving the cup and proceeded to splatter water everywhere.

Bella felt a clammy hand on her arm. She turned to see the sheriff staring down her top and licking his lips. _Ugh, nasty! Okay Bella, you can do this, you can do this!_

"Can you give us directions back to the highway? We are in a bit of a hurry, and I hate to inconvenience you, officer." He barely even acknowledged her words as he dragged her over to a chair next to another desk, nodding his head in time with her swaying hips.

"Where, what, er, in a hurry?" His clammy hand was still latched onto her arm, and she thought she heard a growl coming from over her shoulder. _Oh, this is wrong! I have to get him to face away from the back door! Think Bella, think!_

"We were heading for Atlanta, and stopped for gas…" looking around the room she spotted a map on the far wall. Perfect! She stood and sashayed her hips as she headed for the giant map, hoping he would follow.

He did. It was like her ass was superglue, because his eyes were stuck. She reached the map wall and turned back to see Sheriff Newton adjusting himself and closing his mouth with a small click, when his teeth smashed together. _Keep it together, Rosie should almost be ready, just five more minutes._

"So, um, _Sheriff_…" she cooed the title, trying to keep in character. "Can you show me on the map here how to get to Atlanta?"

She turned her body towards him, instead of the wall and glanced out of the corner of her eye to the boys. Edward looked livid, fists balled up and jaw clenched, but Jasper was obviously holding back laughter. She put her right hand behind her back and pointed to them, then the back door.

Alice was doing a good job keeping the deputy busy on Bella's other side. She heard her say "My! That's a big gun you carry! You must be so strong!" Then she heard a yelp that didn't come from Alice. She shot a look over to them and saw the Deputy rubbing his arm, Alice looked like she might bust a gut laughing.

Sheriff Newton drew her attention back to him by reaching to put an arm around her waist and drawing her in closer to his body, which reeked of onions and cheap cologne. _Okay here's my chance, Edward please don't flip out. _Placing her palm on his chest, she leaned into his body even more and forced a sexy smile. She was thoroughly disgusted, but she was counting on a rescue from Rosie any moment.

"Are you sure_ you're _the Sheriff?" she teased. "I mean you look _awfully_ young to hold such a powerful position. You must have been at the top of your class." She glanced up at him through her lashes and saw his eyes widen as she touched his puny chest. He was not a handsome man and had little charisma. She prayed she was laying it on thick enough, or that he was really dense enough to not see her revulsion.

"Yeah, er, yes! I am the sheriff, I have been for three years now." His hand on her waist was drifting south and though her knee was itching to make contact with his cocktail weiner, she needed him to stay focused on her. "And I'd be more than happy to show you my position, er, diploma in my office."

Bella heard a scuffle and a stifled laugh, she waved her free hand frantically at the boys. At the same moment Alice let out a loud, drunken "SHHHHHH!", which Bella turned into a huge fake sneeze, spraying spit all over Newton's shirt.

"Oh my! I'm so sorry, Sheriff, I must have gotten some dust…" Bella was pawing at Newton's chest trying to keep his eyes riveted to her, because Rosalie chose that moment to pop her head through the back door. Newton was so engrossed in Bella's bosom that was swaying and bouncing with her movements that a bomb could've have gone off next to them and he would've ignored it completely.

Alice had also seen Rosalie and jumped into the deputy's lap to keep him preoccupied. Bella gave a quick nod and watched as Rosalie shoved the boys out the back door to her waiting Jeep. She threw a thumbs-up to the girls and high-tailed it out the back door.

Less than thirty seconds later, she came screeching in the front. "Sheriff, come quick! The courthouse is on FIRE! The ladies auxiliary is trapped inside! Hurry!"

The deputy dropped Alice on her ass like a hot potato and screamed "MOMMA!" and ran out the door. Sheriff Newton was hot on his heels squealing like a little girl, "Mommyyyyyyy!" ringing through the office as he went.

Bella grabbed Alice's hands and hoisted her up to her feet, making a beeline for the back door. The door slammed against the wall as Bella hit it with her hip, dragging a still sloshed Alice out into the early morning sun.

Three feet from the building, Jasper was waiting with open arms for Alice. He snatched her from Bella's grasp, tossed her in the air, and caught her bridal style before climbing into the back of the Jeep with her.

Edward was in the driver's seat and reached a hand over to Bella to help her into the 4x4 monstrosity. As soon as her ass hit the seat, he took off like a bat out of hell.

"Wooo, lordy darlin'! That had t'be the funniest shit I've seen in ages!" Jasper's arms were wrapped around Alice, who sat curled in his lap while he chuckled. Bella noticed she was looking a bit green around the gills.

"Jasper, you might want to keep an eye on her. She had quite a bit of moonshine when we got to the house." His eyes popped open and stared down at Alice with what could only be read as respect mixed with desire and anger.

"Darlin' are you okay?" His voice was sweet but stern until he turned back to Bella. "How much did she have? I'ma kill Rosie!"

"Oh, sure Jas, you can get pissed off cause yer sweetheart there had some 'shine, but I ain't 'llowed to get pissed cause the _Newt _had his mangy, stinkin' paws all over mine? What the hell kinda ass-backward bullshit is that?" Edward's face was flushed, and his hands gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white.

"Edward, it's alright! He didn't hurt me, and God knows he had to be the most repulsive man to ever—wait, did you just call me your—" He cut her off by grabbing her hand and winding his fingers through hers. His thumb lightly circled in her palm, sending a flare of heat through her body and straight to her naughty bits.

"I know he didn't, Sugar, but it doesn't mean I ain't mad 'bout what he did do. And just whose crazy idea was all that anyhow? Not that I'm complainin' 'bout the jailbreak, the food there sucks."

"Wasss Rose plan," Alice mumbled from the backseat. "We stidracted them with our boobs, and she sprung ya!"

Jasper's guffaw was so loud, Alice jumped about a foot in the air, landing back on his lap with a solid thump, which promptly shut him up. Bella was staring at Edward, a bewildered expression on her face. He glanced over at her from the corner of his eye and smiled wickedly.

"Yes, Miss Bella?" his voice purred, and her insides turned to jelly. He knew exactly what he was doing, and she silently begged him to keep it up.

"Um, nothing. I...we—we'll talk about it later!" The words exploded from her mouth, and she felt a blush that set her whole body on fire.

"Awright, Sugar, whatever you say." He turned his full attention to barreling down the road. Bella tried to concentrate on the path, just in case she needed to drive back later. Jasper and Alice were oddly quiet in the back. Bella turned to catch Alice's tongue down Jasper's throat, and his hands all over her ass.

Bella turned around abruptly and, with a blush hidden by semi-darkness, huffed quietly. Edward heard and checked the rearview mirror.

"Son'm'bitch," he grumbled, not noticing Bella's tiny smile at his reaction.

Soon they turned onto a gravel road on the outskirts of town. After fifteen dust-covered minutes, he took a right turn directly into a creek.

Bella gasped as cold creek water splashed into the open Jeep, and Alice garbled out a screech that probably alerted every male turkey to their presence.

"Warn a girl ness time Ewward!" Her speech impediment didn't seem to be improving, and Bella was a little concerned as to the effects moonshine was having on her friend. On the one hand it made her less stick-in-the-ass-oh-my-god-we're-gonna-die-in-the-backwoods. On the other hand, she seemed to be regressing from the progress the coffee had helped her make.

They drove down the creek for another fifty yards before exiting on the other side, onto an old logging trail. It was rutted and rough, but the Jeep navigated it well. Since the trail was so overgrown it slowed their pace down to almost a crawl. Before too long the trees began to thin, and Bella caught sight of an old building in a weed covered clearing.

"What is this place?"

"It's Uncle C's old hide out. He would come here if he had to lay low after a run. It ain't much, but it's got a stove and a roof."

"Run?" escaped the girls' mouths at the same time.

"Yep. Uncle C was one of Georgia's finest rum-runners back in his day!" Jasper exclaimed proudly. "He give it all up to take care of us, but he kept this place just in case," he finished with a wink.

The Jeep came to a stop next to the small building. Edward hopped out and quickly made his way around to Bella's side. Reaching in, he grabbed her by the waist and helped her down. Jasper leapt from the backseat with Alice cradled in his arms, and her pixie face pinched in protest. Bella thought she looked like she might hurl.

"It's kinda the family business. Jas and I tried our hand at it, but it din't work out fer us."

"HA! Din't work out fer us?! Lemme tell you girls a story…"

"Jasper! So help me if'n you tell that story I'll stuff this kerchief back in yer mouth so fast yer head'll spin!" Edward brandished a red handkerchief that looked well used.

"Gol'durnit Edward! I still cain't believe you put yer nasty snot-rag in my mouth once today, you better not do it again!"

Edward burst out laughing. "Well, you couldn't keep quiet and almost ruined the escape!" Shoving the wrinkled cloth back in his pocket, he added, "And, uh, it ain't my kerchief! It's Cooter's!"

"Oh keeeerist! That's just inhumane!" Jasper looked slightly green himself.

"Jassper?! He put that rag in yer mouth? And I juss kisschoou? Oh, God..." Alice turned the worst shade of green yet, and promptly threw up all over Jasper's chest.

**Boy, I shore hope there's runnin' water an' a change o' clothes in that there hidey-hole.**

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A/N: Sorry for such a delay...you know how it is. Thanks to Lulubelle for checkin' our Ps & Qs...hot lovin' and spanks to the UU krewe. We heart you all, shalu & CarminMoon


	6. Cabin Couplings

A/N: Hey y'all! Sorry it's been so long; it was not intentional, but you know how RL gets (plus other fics, etc.). We hope it's worth the wait! Thanks to Lulubelle for dottin' the i's and crossin' the t's...without further ado, chap 6...

* * *

**Shalu and Carminmoon said sumthin' 'bout some button er other, that might be needed, so I'm supposed to warn y'all. They also said sumthin' like laundry day, or fresh undies...I don't know, them two they's got some crazy stuff floatin' in them heads, so just go with it. I try not to rock the boat.**

**The last we saw our crazy youngun's they was standin' in front of a one room cabin…one coverin' her mouth in horror, anuther squinchin' his nose at the mess on his shirt, and two guffawin' buffoons tryin' not to pee their britches at the hilarious sight in front o'their eyes.**

**Boy am I glad I don't have to clean that mess up.**

Alice could barely look elsewhere as she dropped her hand and stepped forward, not knowing what to do. Jasper was still staring at the modern art piece sliding through his buttons when he turned to the hyenas behind him. Edward and Bella each tried to use the other to hide from his death-glare.

"It's not that funny," Jasper barked, obviously far from amused. His expression was still tight, and his hands remained in the air as though he couldn't touch it yet.

"Yeah, it is," Edward fell forward in wheezes, exposing Bella and her own fit of hysteria from behind him. "Never thought I'd 'preciate seeing someone get puked on...but that was better'n watchin' Rosie hogtie Cooter at the State Fair last year." The force of his laughs increased, and he fell backward onto the ground, holding his stomach.

"Awright, jackass," Jasper hissed. "Keep goin' and piss yer pants so's _I _kin have a laugh."

"STOP IT, BELLA!" Alice's demand was whiny and included a footstomp. Bella tried to curb it, but giggles were still bubbling. "Omigawwwd, I'm disgusting!"

Alice surveyed her clothing, which had received its own fair share of digestive decoration. Her arms spread wide, pulling the fabric away from her body. Bella was still stifling her laughter, but Jasper finally came to.

"Come on, darlin', let's get cleaned off!" He quickly hoisted her squealing, messy form over his shoulder and set off toward the creek.

Alice was keen to be carried, but soon found the quick pace and rough terrain was not helpful to a queasy, albeit now empty, stomach. "J-Jasper," she managed as they dodged through the trees. "I-I think I'ma barf again."

Instantaneously, Jasper slowed and stopped, carefully setting her to the ground. "Sorry." An apologetic smile crept across his face. "Guess I'll letcha try out yer own two feet the last hundred yards."

She wobbled for a moment, holding her stomach, before she grinned in response. "Why thank you, kind sir." She attempted a cheesy curtsy, but managed to snag her foot on a branch and pull a faceplant. Jasper did his best not to laugh. He failed.

"Shut up! I was upside down for most of the walk!" Alice scrambled to her feet and shot him a nasty glare. Fortunately, he found it absolutely adorable.

"Darlin', anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are when yer angry?"

_Damn southern charm,_ Alice thought as her glare transformed to a coy blush. "No."

He moved a little closer. "Well, you are, but if I ever hope to kiss ya 'gain, we best git clean. 'Cause I just cain't stomach this smell anymore." His voice was low and making her naughtybits riot. Coupled with the wink he threw at her before grabbing her hand and leading her the rest of the way to the water, she contemplated jumping him right now.

Until she saw the creek. "Jasper. This is a river."

"Naw, it's just a creek, but it'll still get us clean."

She stepped out of her shoe and dipped a toe in the water. A stream of obscenities that could embarrass a sailor-turned-trucker flooded out of her mouth at the speed of light. "Fuck, Jasper! That is FREEZING!"

He pulled his boots off and stepped in up to his shins. "Aww, c'mon, tha's perfect!" Had he spoken Swahili, she would have had the same dumbstruck reaction. "Miss Alice," he continued mischievously. "I daresay I don' wanna upset ya, but if you don' git in yerself, I'ma have to help ya."

Her eyes went wide, almost bugging out, as she tried to back away from him and his predatory advances.

"Best to jus' jump on in and get it over with..." Jasper taunted with a wicked grin.

Alice made a quick turn to run and escape, but one shoe was already off and she tripped again. Bracing for impact, she never hit ground thanks to Jasper's quick step and strong arms.

The tiny hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as he tickled her earlobe with his lips and whispered, "This won't hurt a bit, darlin'."

**Meanwhile, Edward was playin' the honorable host and showin' his sweetheart 'round their homebase for the next few days.**

The cabin was spartan, and obviously not intended for four people to spend any extended amount of time in. A time-worn, evidently ancient bed was pushed into one corner, covered with a handmade quilt. It looked inviting to Bella, who suddenly realized how little sleep she'd gotten last night. Another corner framed two armchairs that had seen better days but still looked sturdy enough. Between them, a small table with an oil lamp, an ashtray, and a box of matches.

The kitchen—if you could call it that—took up the other half of the room. Standing center was a square table with gruesome gouges scattered over its scarred surface as though it'd been a butcher's block at one point in time. Two log benches sat beneath it for seating—no, really, they were literally two halves of a tree trunk with legs stuck into the bottom. Not too aesthetically pleasing but highly functional. The stove was the most interesting piece: it was a squat black sentinel standing in the corner. The three by three square stood on heavy iron legs, surrounded by bricks and river rocks in a protective hodge podge. The top had four circular pieces in it just like a modern stove, but they looked medieval. The door on the front had a large coiled handle, and Bella imagined it as a gaping maw with a fire from the depths of hell illuminating its laughing face. Still, it was a source of food and warmth, and she knew that she wanted to own one sometime in the future.

"Well it ain't much, but the roof don't leak, and it stays real warm with a fire goin'." Edward's understatement was obvious. He knew the girls were used to a bit more luxury than this, but it would just have to do.

"It's gorgeous, Edward," Bella whispered, leaning into him.

"Well, I'm glad you like it, Sugar, 'cause we could be here for a stretch." He wrapped his arms around her, and his breath was warm against her ear. She shivered involuntarily. "Are you cold? I could start a fire?" His arms pressed her closer to him, and she melted into his embrace.

"No. I'm not cold." She twisted within his arms to face him, placing her limbs around his slim waist, and tilted her head to stare up into his mossy eyes. His gaze was flipping between her eyes and her mouth. She hoped that meant he was _finally_ going to kiss her. His face drifted closer to hers, and she could feel her heart thumping hard in her chest. Those tantalizing lips were a precious few millimeters away when the door burst open behind her, and Rosalie swept into the cabin like a twister. Edward simultaneously lifted Bella and shoved her behind him as he faced his cousin.

"Well, damn! Momma did always say I had worse timin' than the courthouse clock!" She sputtered as she took in the scene before her.

"Aunt Lillian never did tell a lie, and that analogy proves another point. You're never right more'n twice a day!" Edward proclaimed to Rosalie's shit-eating grin.

She made a face like she was baring fangs, and though it looked like she'd add her own barb, she spun and went back out the door. Edward then turned to a blushing Bella, "Sorry, Sugar...can we pick up that conversation later?" She grinned knowingly and nodded.

"Did you actually just leave her speechless?"

"It happens once in a while." He shrugged his broad shoulders sheepishly.

Rosalie had driven out to the hideaway with a burgeoning box of food items; some leftovers and some that could be prepared later. She also grabbed clothing for everyone. Alice was likely to lick her boots when she saw fresh clothes.

Just then the little pixie and Jasper appeared in the doorway, both soaked to the skin but cleaner than when they had left.

"Do I wanna know? Or should I just pretend not to have seen this?" Rose took in their appearance with a mixture of mirth and an all-knowing leer.

"Alice here done wretched all over Jasper after he kissed her!" Edward supplied eagerly.

"That ain't the whole story an' you know it, you clod-head!" Jasper shot back at his cousin. Mumbling under his breath, "At-least-I-got-a-kiss-shitferbrains!"

Rosalie must have heard the mumble, though, because she whacked Jasper across the back of the head.

"Ow! What was that fer?" He glared at her, rubbing the back of his head.

"Fer bein' a jackass, and takin' advantage of a drunk girl!" Rose's eye-daggers were digging into his forehead.

"It weren't like that at all, Rose. She kissed me, too," he argued, adding in a slightly hushed tone, "...and she liked it til she found out that I'd jus' had Cooter's nasty snot rag shoved in my mouth!"

"Ugh! Can we not repeat that again?" begged a slightly green Alice.

"Well, if the idjit hadn't started snickerin' like a sixth grader when y'all were tryin to bust us out the hoosegow, I wouldna had to put it there in the first daggum place!" Edward spouted in his defense.

"What were you doin' with—no, wait, I don' wanna know. Jus' shut yer pie holes. And you get yerself into some dry clothes, Jasper Monroe Cullen. You too, Tinkerbell!" She threw a bag at each of them and went out to get more supplies from the truck. Edward and Jasper smirked at each other as they followed her outside. Bella and Alice collapsed in a fit of giggles, searching the bags for fresh outfits.

**You know folks, I done spent some time out at that there hidey-hole, an' I'm purty sure there's a outdoor shower on the backside o'the cabin. But I ain't gonna be the one to tell Miss Alice. Oooh lookee there, Rosie done brought fried chicken, baked beans and fried taters!**

"I wish you coulda seen their faces!" Rosalie was perched on one of the benches at the table, spinning quite a _true _yarn about what transpired out front of the jail as the boys slipped out the back with Alice and Bella. "They was runnin' hell bent 'cross the street, screamin' for their momma's like the pussyboys they are! The smoke bombs were perfect, and they was billowin' huge clouds o'er the back of the buildin'. I sat in Uncle C's truck down the block, laughin' til I done near cried.

"They got most o' the ladies outta the building, and gone back in to get their purses. I could hear Momma Newton screechin' like a harpy, 'Git my purse, Michael Purvis! An' don't you dare look innit, neither! I know you's got them curious eyes!'"

The table erupted into a new wave of laughter. Jasper buried his face in Alice's shoulder as Bella slapped Edward on the back before he choked on his potatoes.

"I guess our blessed firemen were too busy playin cards to notice the alarm goin' off, 'cause it wun't 'til then the fire truck even showed up! But they got down to business, and I figured it was time for me to high-tail it outta there.

"Oh, and by the by, Emmett and Uncle C said they'd get the General Lee from the Boar's Nest and take it home later. Uncle C said to tell you gals that he's mighty proud of y'all, and he'll be out in the next couple of days to replenish your supplies."

Bella and Alice exchanged a worried look.

"So, just how long do you think we're going to have to stay here, Rose?" Alice was sitting on Jasper's leg, since the benches at the table only held four people comfortably. "I mean, you know, are the cops gonna be looking for us for a while? I can't believe I'm a fugitive from the law." She sighed heavily.

"Aw, honey, don' worry none," Rose reassured her. "Them two law dogs ain't got the nose to sniff out their own asses, let 'lone find a Cullen in hidin'. And they don't got no evidence againstcha even if they could find ya. Jus' relax. Enjoy the peace an' quiet out here."

Rose got a list of things that the girls wanted, promising to send it with Carlisle in a few days and made her goodbyes. "I've done spent up enough of yer time, an' I have to get home to start supper fer the fellas. Y'all behave yourselves, an' if'n you need me, use channel 24 on the CB. I'll keep the one in the kitchen on. I work tomorrow night, but Uncle C knows 'bout the channel, too."

With that, she hugged all four of them—much to the girls surprise, jumped in the pickup and drove off. The four outlaws settled in at the table again and played poker til the light started to fade.

"Maybe we should get a couple fires started, Jas. I'll take care of this 'un if you'll get the one outside." Jasper nodded in agreement and went out the door.

"Um, Edward?" Bella questioned. "Where is everyone going to sleep?"

He smiled reassuringly. "You and Alice are gonna take the bed there, an' Jas an' I will sleep outside. Rose brought our campin' gear. We'll be fine." His tone brooked no argument.

As Edward turned away to tend to the kitchen stove-contraption, Bella caught Alice's terribly unsubtle facial expressions trying to get her attention. Finally, her impatience took over and she stomped over and grabbed Bella by the arm, dragging her over to the other side of the room.

"I want _alone time_." Alice's voice was stretched thin between her clenched teeth.

"What?" Bella screwed up her face in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about, Alice?"

Edward conveniently chose that moment to interrupt. "This 'ere stove'll heat this entire cabin all night, and it's good to go. I'ma go help Jasper with the bonfire, so if you ladies care to join us..." He allowed his voice to trail off as he tipped his imaginary hat and, smirking, slipped out the door.

Bella was lost again to an Edward-induced haze until Alice went and stomped on her foot. "OWW!! Goddamn, Alice, do you need a time out?"

"You're not LISTENING to me!" She almost shouted. "I. Want. Alo—"

"I HEARD you, you obnoxious little twat," Bella interrupted harshly, tired of Alice's toddler-esque tantrums. She secretly wished Rosalie had left a quart of moonshine.... "Now my question is—"

Alice returned the interruption. "WITH. JASPER."

"Oh holy hell, Ali, you'll get it, okay?" She rolled her eyes. "And I'm going to kiss Edward Cullen if I have to put superglue on my lips and tackle him."

"That's it? Just kiss him?" Alice looked incredulous.

"Gotta start somewhere."

"Prude."

"_Bitch._"

"Awww, Bella, I love you!"

_Oh my God, she's still drunk,_ Bella mused to herself. She wove her arm through her tinier counterpart's and directed them outside. "Come on, hornball. Show me how you're gonna roast your southernboy over an open flame."

"NONONONO!" She dug in her heels and pulled against Bella's grasp. "Tell Jasper he needs to come inside. I'm, uh, still not_ feeling_ too well. You know, all that moonshine and whatnot."

Bella stared at her. "You're kidding me, right? You're fine! You just had a big meal and your coloring looks normal. Finally. I think Rosalie even brought marshmall—"

Alice quirked an eyebrow in challenge. Bella's shoulders dropped in realization.

"So, I get to sleep on the ground tonight is what you're saying," Bella huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm _sick_, Bella. I need _comfort_." She peeked out the tiny window near the door. "I need comfort in the form of that sexy, tattooed man out there...STAT."

"_Fine_, Alice! Be that way!" Bella slammed the door and stomped back over to the campfire. "Jasper, you need to get your _sexy tattooed ass_ in there and COMFORT my SICK friend! UGH!"

Jasper's face was a mixture of joy and confusion, but he was taught when a woman said jump, he was to ask how high. So, off he went with nary a word, shoving a bottle into Edward's hand.

Bella took her spot next to Edward, grabbed the bottle out of his hand, and took a big swig followed by a pained grimace. "Christ on a donkey! Is that paint thinner?" You'd think that kinda reaction would mean she'd stop, but she tipped the bottle and took another smaller slug.

Edward just looked on, awed at the fortitude of the beauty next to him. He'd been drinkin' Carlisle's 'shine since he was a teen and still couldn't handle too much of it. 'Course she proved she was a girl after his own heart the other night at the Boar's Nest: whiskey drinkin', pool hustlin', dancin' on bars. The only thing that could make her even better was if she loved campin'.

She sighed and passed the bottle back to him. He corked it and slid his arm around her shoulder. "I miss camping with my dad," she said softly. "We used to sit around the campfire for hours."

_Hallelujah!_ Holy Lord, his prayers had been heard and answered, and he hadn't even had to ask forgiveness for something first.

"Well, Jasper and I camp all the time. There's not much to do around this sleepy little town, 'less you like high speed car chases." She giggled and leaned further into his side, then shivered. "C'mere sugar, lemme snuggle you. We might be out here for a while." He shifted her into his lap between his legs and wrapped his strong arms around her.

"I think it's gonna be all night, Edward. Alice has no intentions of letting that man out of bed til daylight comes."

"Well, I guess it's a good thing, then, 'cause I have no intention of lettin' you out of my arms til daylight." His embrace tightened and pulled her in closer. Bella wiggled and hummed in contentment, a smile reverberating throughout her body. Edward put his lips to her ear and whispered, "Sugar, ever made love in front of a campfire?" She let out a little moan, and shook her head. "Me either. What'dya say we find out what it's like?"

She twisted her head towards his, and their lips met with a feather soft touch that soon grew as hot as the fire they sat near. His warm hands ran over her curves, slow but insistent, as she melted into his touch. She reached back to run her fingers through his gloriously tousled hair, and small groans of pleasure tumbled over his lips.

"Mmmm...Bella, can I take your shirt off, Sugar?"

"Yes, Edward, you don't need to ask." Her response was breathy and quick, echoed by her movement to straddle him. She cupped his face with her hands and kissed the lines of his sculpted chin.

"Yes, I do, Sugar. A gentleman never assumes." His hands reached down to the hem of her shirt and slowly lifted it up and over her head. His eyes drank in her pale skin, which glowed like a ripe peach in the firelight. "Lord have mercy, you are a beautiful thing." His tone was reverent, and Bella blushed profusely. He gently eased her down onto his open sleeping bag and moved above her, holding himself up slightly so as not to crush her.

Their lips tangled again in a slow dance, while his hands explored her torso. Her arms were gently locked around his shoulders and her dainty hands were slowly pulling his shirt higher, urging him to remove it. He obliged, momentarily pulling away from her, and returning as quick as a wink. Her eyes ran over his chest and down to his six pack, one hand shadowing her gaze, her lightly trailing fingers tickling his skin.

He glanced back to her face and saw her biting her bottom lip, a gesture he'd noticed more and more over the last couple of days. Lowering his lips back to hers he pulled that pouty bottom lip between his and sucked on it lovingly. She tasted like 'shine and honey. He slowly moved down her neck, licking and nibbling her skin like it was the sweetest fruit he'd ever tasted.

Their hands became their eyes as they learned each other's bodies, one rough and calloused, the other soft and yielding. As time swept by, more clothes were lost with whispered words and acknowledgements, revealing new skin for hands and lips to explore and conquer.

When they were both naked as the day they were born, he paused, "I'll stop if you want me to, Sugar, this isn't…" she put her hand over his mouth to stop his yammering.

"Edward, I don't want you to stop," she declared.

"What about a condom…I think I—"

"I'm on the pill," her eagerness cut him off. "And please call me 'Sugar' again; it makes my insides melt." She giggled at her own confession. He grinned ear to ear.

"Whatever you say, Sugar." She giggled again.

He lowered his weight lightly onto her body, their curves and planes meeting perfectly, seemingly meant for each other. Her body opened for him and pressed up to meet him as they molded together. He covered her shoulders with light kisses, gently running his hand over her breasts, and down to her warmth, sliding his fingers over her sensitive flesh. She was writhing under him, whimpering and moaning; his attentions bringing her to the edge. He heard her gasp his name as he removed his hand and slowly moved into her.

The firelight reflected in her eyes as they moved together in unison, flickers of firelight painting dancing patterns on their united form. Heat spun and rose, swayed and cast to the sky, refusing to die until every last twig was ash. It would seem anything flammable within a mile's radius would be consumed and incinerated. The blaze grew in size and intensity cresting at its pinnacle, powerful and breathtaking.

The crackling of the fire continued into the night, flames licking the night sky, eventually dwindling down to glowing embers.

Oh, and the bonfire was pretty hot, too.

**Ahem, well…yeah, so - did any y'all catch that game on Sunday? _tap tap tap_ *taps on screen* Hello? I can see some o' y'all are, ummm, preoccupied, so uh, I'll just be in my bunk.**

**I have a feelin' y'all's gon' be needin' the undies button or whatever the hell it is next chap, too. Let's jus' say those coupla small cabin windows 'er foggin' up...**

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A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review. We promise to TRY to update sooner next chap.


	7. Mornin' Afters

**Disclaimer: OHAI. Yes, been long time. Miss CarminMoon and I 'pologize. Neither Twilight nor Dukes is ours, as if you had to ask, but we shore do like us these suthern boys and their, uh,... manners. :D Enjoy.**

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***snooooore....* Huh? What? Oh weeeell, howdee thar, folks! Been a while, ain't it? Well, you know how life dun git busy sometimes... I s'pose y'all are wonderin' what happened when the front door o'the cabin closed behind Jasper, ain'tcha? Well prepare yerselves ladies, I cain't even believe I havta tell this part o'the story…**

Alice paced back and forth, repositioning herself against the bed, the wall, the table...every pose felt ridiculous and contrived. _Jesus, you'd think I'd never been with a guy before!_ she thought incredulously, and she continued to place herself about the room and try to look sexy. _I've already kissed him, for Heaven's sake! For Heaven's sake? SINCE WHEN do I say that? Shit! I'm going Southern. I'll need a week at the Plaza Hotel in a suite with full room service and in-room spa services to get rid of this new impediment._ She paused to see the licks of bonfire peeking through the gap in the simple cloth curtain on the window. _But maybe I don't want to..._

When she heard the latch click, she froze in the middle of the one room cabin. Suddenly nervous and self-conscious, she glued her eyes to the floor as Jasper entered, quickly closing the door behind him.

"Feelin' aw'right, darlin'?" His voice was low and clear, a tone that caressed her in sensitive places and stole her breath. "I heard tell of a sweet gal needin' some tender lovin' care in here...that wouldn't be you, by chance, would it now?"

Lifting her eyes to his teasing with a timid smile, she nodded mutely, afraid her voice might make her appear desperate... cuz she was feeling exactly that.

"Don' tell me you done got shy on me, Miss Alice?" He continued towards her; slow, shuffled steps sounding across the floorboards.

Her breath picked up, and she finally found her voice. "No!" She appeared somewhat insulted as he stopped directly in front of her. His eyes, dancing with anticipation, captured hers, leaving her to stutter. "I-I want—"

She gasped as Jasper's lips interrupted hers. His strong hands grasped her by her bottom, lifting her to his height. Alice squeaked into his mouth at the rapid movement, but the muffled sound quickly dissolved into a moan.

"What you want, baby?" He mumbled against her lips before moving his own along her chin. When he reached her earlobe and began to nibble, he demanded gently, "Tell me."

Her limbs now locked around him, she moaned again as he began kissing and sucking the skin along her neck. "Your skin against mine.... I want to trace your tattoos with my tongue.... I want your hands on me...everywhere.... Want..._you_...and I don't want you to stop...." As Alice was gasping in between each want on her list, Jasper halted the trail to examine her face in awe.

"Well, fuck me sideways, darlin', if this gets any better, I may haveta hire someone t'help me enjoy it." Jasper's rough whisper sent shivers down her spine and heat pooling low in her belly. She giggled uncontrollably as he reattached himself to her neck and explored her collarbone.

"Baby," she sighed, pressing her face to the ear behind his messy blonde curls, "I do believe we jus' got started."

He tore himself away momentarily to reply in earnest. "Keeerist, woman, you's fixin' to kill me dead, ain'tcha? You know yer soundin' more 'n' more suthern?" Her only response was more breathy giggling and an impatient kiss, effectively shutting him up.

Jasper walked them to the bed, soon bumping up against the edge with his knees. Slowly, he lowered her to the mattress and pressed his lean body into hers. Alice hummed at the feeling, greedily sucking at his lower lip before sinking her teeth into it. A growl rumbled his chest as he heatedly took control of the kiss, devouring her mouth while exploring her body with his hands.

Before long, desperate fingers pulled at hems, yanked straps, and hurriedly unfastened button-flys, urging them both to get at least the skin-on-skin point of Alice's wishlist (and let's face it, Jasper's, too) checked off immediately.

The salt of his skin tingled on her tongue, her tastebuds rejoicing as she followed the stripes of the tiger, the scales of the dragon, and sooner than later, the crests of the waves on his hip. Loud groans and hisses escaped him as her mouth found its way elsewhere, teasing him and shoving him to the brink of a gentleman's patience.

With not a word, but a grunt, he pulled her up his body by gripping her arms. Her soft skin whispered across his before settling comfortably on top of him. "I wasn't done," she said, delivering her statement with a smirk.

"Ladies first," he tipped a wicked grin at her as he swiftly rolled her underneath him.

"Ladies _what_ first?" she panted, a look of mock-ignorance painting her face.

As he leaned in, his lips barely settled against hers, his voice was low, quiet, and devastating. "_Come_."

Right then, she very nearly did.

Her whimper was lost to his kiss, which slid lower and lower. Open-mouthed and warm, his mouth made good on his promise when she found out how talented his tongue really was.

Regaining her breath took some doing, but this was no time for a nap. Jasper sat back on his knees, scooping Alice up and settling her in a straddle over his lap. His hands held her hips, and her arms pulled her closer, pressing her chest to his, both slick with sweat. Their lips and tongues reunited as she finally took him inside her. The earlier frenzy dissolved to rapture as their bodies entwined, rhythmically writhing and searching for release.

Gasping, Alice threw her head back to unleash a disjointed request. "Lay...ladies...ladies _what_? First!"

An amused Jasper licked his way to her ear to growl, "Come."

She did as she was told, her orgasm engulfing her and catching him in the undertow. As they were crushed and released by the powerful tide, soon thrown to the beach, they collapsed in a fleshy heap at the foot of the bed.

"Holy shit," she breathed, after several minutes of comedown.

"Yeah."

In the few remaining moments of consciousness, Alice lazily traced the small sparrow tattooed above his heart with her finger, wondering what, or who, it was for.

**AHEM. Er, well…um. Yeah. So they, uh, got to know each other_ better_, didn't they? Okay then, moving along. If'n ya cain't remember, Edward an' Miss Bella done slept out by the fire, doin' a little 'quaintance-makin' o'their own.**

Bella woke wrapped in a pair of strong arms, just after the crack of dawn. The light snore from over her shoulder made her grin in remembrance of the night before. Maybe she wouldn't be too mad at her temper tantrum-throwing, toddler-sized best friend. Making love in front of a fire had surpassed her best memories. Even the time she had a cast on her arm and accidentally smacked it into some stranger at Starbucks spilling both their coffees all over the guy (who turned out to be Tom Selleck). He was luckily uninjured and happily signed her cast. She still had that piece of plaster.

The arm draped over her side tightened, and the work-roughened hand gently grasped her still-nude breast causing her to squeak and giggle.

A simple, "Mornin', Sugar," breathed into her ear, and she turned her head slightly to take in his drowsy features.

"Mornin', yourself," she returned and blushed.

"Mmm, I could wake up like this ever'day." His lips lightly brushed the pinked apple of her cheek.

"With your hand on my tit?" She giggled again, and it was his turn to color up with a slight blush.

"Sugar, you keep talkin' like 'at and you gon' find other parts of my anatomy rubbin' up on ya too." His body snuggled closer to hers, and she felt the other part he was referring to very distinctly. Just as she was about to turn over completely, she heard the rumble of a motor in the distance. They both froze in their embrace.

"Shit. That'll be Uncle C. Git yerself dressed, sweetheart. I ain't sure his ol' ticker could take the sight of ya in all yer nekkid glory."

"Edward!" she chastised, laughing. "He's not_ that_ old!"

He chuckled, wiggling his fingers on her ticklish sides, earning a series of squeals coupled with giggles.

They both fumbled for clothes, but Bella couldn't locate her bra anywhere. Edward had forgone his flannel shirt, settling for only his beat-up jeans and t-shirt, his back to her as he knelt in front of the fire he was rebuilding.

"Edward? Do you mind if I borrow your shirt?" Bella was clutching the well-worn, soft button-up to her chest in the cool morning air.

"Sugar, what's mine is yours; have at it. Besides, y'ain't gon' be wearin' this again." His eyes lit up with mirth as he twisted to show her what was left of her bra after it spent the night halfway in the fire.

"Aw, hell. That was my favorite bra, too," she muttered, taking in the half-charred pink fabric dangling from his talented fingers.

"I was a might bit partial to it, too, but I hav'ta say I like it better off." He winked before he tossed it into the rising flames with a flourish.

"Wait until I tell your mom you burned a bra! She'll be on her Women's Lib soapbox for weeks over that one!" A much too jovial voice sounded from the doorway of the cabin. Bella spun and shot Alice the bird, before noticing that she was wrapped in the quilt from the bed.

"You'd better get dressed, you shrill harpy. Uncle Carlisle is on his way in."

Alice's eyes went wide as she squawked like a startled hen and slammed the door.

"Are you hungry, sweetheart? Should we start up some breakfast?" The gravelly voice in Bella's ear made her insides quiver like the Jell-O mold at a church social. Nodding her head, she turned to catch his twinkling eyes and smiled.

Just then, Jasper emerged from the cabin, shirtless and barefoot, carting the cooler full of food out the front door. Moments later, Carlisle pulled through the trees surrounding the area. Parking a way's past the fire at the edge of the yard, Carlisle slid out of the truck and headed over, a strangely cloudy look on his face. Bella noticed and threw a questioning look to Edward, but he just leaned forward and kissed her temple. "No worries, Sugar," he added.

"Mornin's" were exchanged, and Bella offered to make coffee for everyone since they were still awaiting Alice's appearance. Carlisle asked how everyone slept causing Bella to cough before she could even get a response out.

Patting her back gently, Edward answered, "Fine, Uncle C. We slept like Cooter after a bottle o' shine!" He threw a wink to Jasper, who smirked and remained silent. Carlisle eyed the two warily. They both cleared their throats as their grins faded and went back to preparing breakfast.

Shortly thereafter, breakfast was almost ready, and Alice finally decided to grace them with her grand entrance, traipsing out the door of the cabin in a little sundress and heels.

"Well it's about time, Princess! You almost missed breakfast…or were you expecting to be served in bed?" Bella questioned the tiny woman jokingly.

"Ha ha! I just had to take a few extra minutes to make myself _presentable_ for y'all." Her tone had just enough twang to belie the glare she was aiming at Bella's (apparently) less-than-approved flannel shirt.

"Did you just say _y'all,_ Miss Alice? I do think the south might be rubbin' off on ya, sweetie." Carlisle's face was grinning wider than a jack-o-lantern on Halloween.

A husky duet of gravel and silk was suddenly flowing around the campfire as both Edward and Jasper mumbled none-too-quietly, "Not right now."

Bella choked on her sip of coffee, spitting it out in a perfect imitation of a busted sprinkler and soaking Uncle Carlisle's pant leg in the process.

"Boys! Manners!" Carlisle growled like an angry badger. Bella swore she heard him say something about "minds in the gutter" and "momma's rollin' in their graves" under his breath as he wiped his hands over his face and through his silvery blonde locks.

Alice just stood there frozen and red in the face.

"Oh, Uncle C! I am so sorry! I didn't mean to spit…"

"Don't worry your pretty head, missy. I wash up real good. I should get goin' anyhoo. I just wanted to drop off some stuff fer yer stay. You boys get them boxes outta the truck. _Now_."

All the fellas headed for the truck. When they approached the bed, the two younger Cullens could tell they were in for a tongue lashin' of epic proportions. They stood tall as they braced themselves.

"Now, I ain't one fer repeatin' myself, an' you boys know that. But if'n you two numbskulls don't git yer act tigether and stay outta trouble, I cain't be responsible fer ya no more. Y'all cain't be gittin' into bar fights and thrown in the pokey all the durn time. I done tried my best to raise ya like yer mother's woulda wanted, but obviously I done failed in a few places. Like manners! And listenin', and I 'spect how to treat wimmen folk. I swear yer mouths need to be washed out with lye soap! I'm done fer now, but you two need to straighten up an' fly right, or yer gonna find yourselves on the wrong end of a gun, or the short end of a stick, or takin a long walk off a short pier! Do I make myself clear?" He was huffin' like a grampus by now, and the boys realized they couldn't remember seeing him this mad before.

"Crystal, sir," they said simultaneously. They had always had strange ways of saying things like that; it was near an art form.

They grabbed the boxes from the truck sheepishly and thanked their uncle for everything before heading back to a pair of very silent beauties.

"C'mon, let's eat afore it gets cold, ladies," Jasper said after they had placed the boxes on the porch.

"Yeah, and we're shore'nuff sorry for our comment earlier, Miss Alice." Edward added in as they sat down. "It was mighty rude."

"It's okay, Edward." She smiled a bit shyly. "It was _funny,_ even if your Uncle didn't think so."

**Things were purty quiet over breakfast til Miss Bella mentioned gettin' a shower. That was when Miss Alice had a come-apart and pert near beat poor ol' Jasper fer throwin her in the crick when there 'uz runnin' water. He done smoothed things over with a few whispered words in her ear. I ain't too shor what 'tis he told 'er, but it's been said he was a silver-tongued devil.**

The afternoon air was warm as the four of them sat in the lawn chairs that Carlisle had brought, just enjoying the fresh air. They had been talking for an hour or so when Jasper asked a question that had been on Edward's mind, too.

"So, you two never did tell us why you stopped here in our fair town."

"I wouldn't say we stopped here on purpose Jasper," Bella answered, laughing a bit through her words. Her cheeks flushed before she added softly, "though I am glad we did."

Edward squeezed her hand that he was holding and smiled at her while Alice was nodding her head like a dashboard hula-dancer. "We were actually headed for New Orleans," she said, jumping in. "We were on our way to see my aunt Esme; she's working on a movie set there."

Jasper perked up at the mention of New Orleans. "A movie set, huh? What's she do?"

"Oh, she's a set designer. She's done a ton of movies! She's always traveling and moving around for work, so for our graduation presents, she promised to get us in as extras in this one."

"Graduation?" Edward was eyeing Bella curiously. "What'dja major in, Sugar?"

"English Literature. Though, I am not sure what I'm going to do with it yet. I may go into teaching."

"What 'bout you, Darlin'? What was your major?" Alice snorted, looking at Jasper as if the answer was obvious.

"Fashion Design with a minor in Business, silly!" He rolled his eyes with an accepting smile as she continued, "I have to protect this world from the evil fashion faux pas! Like Bella here!" She added the accusation in a overdramatic stage whisper as her tiny thumb jerked in the direction of her friend, wearing an outfit that Edward thought was perfectly acceptable: jeans and a t-shirt.

"Yeah, she's the fashion police, all right." Bella's smirk and eye roll expressed her disagreement quite well. "Did either of you go to college?"

Jasper spoke up first with a laugh, "Naw. Neither of us enjoyed schoolin' much. I went into the army as soon as Uncle C paid my fines to the secretary so's I could get my diploma. I owed quite a few dollars fer all the school books I lost."

Edward snickered remembering how most of those books were lost (or damaged) fishin' and huntin'. "I jumped into my car an' headed to North Carolina to drive a stock car fer some cousins o'ours. I raced fer a couple years, but I had to stop after a little run-in with the law." He grinned crookedly.

"You had a run-in with the law? No! I just can't believe that!" Bella laid a hand on her chest in mock shock. Edward pulled her into his side, tickling her ribs and laughing with her, Alice and Jasper cracking up across from them.

"We are such innocent young men," Jasper played along, his voice pitched high with laughter. "Who could ever think we could get in such hot water?"

They were finally calming back down just as the sound of a troubled engine reached their ears.

"Now who in the ever-livin' hell could that be?" Jasper was shooin' the girls into the jeep just in case when Edward stopped him.

"S'alright. It's Emmett. That's his old army jeep," he announced, adding, "You'd think a mechanic could get that thing to sound a lil' better."

They all sat back down and waited for him to come through the trees. Emmett climbed out of the jeep that had clearly seen better days—having probably been beat to hell since WWII. His face was crumpled in a frown, and he seemed pretty disgruntled. Bella and Alice eyed each other in a silent conversation, both wondering if it had anything to do with Rosalie.

"Sorry to come a bargin' out 'ere like this, but I just couldn't risk sayin it o'er the CB. We's got ourselves a problem." He flopped onto a log sitting next to the campfire and ran a hand over his features. "That dumber'n a box a hammers Pussyboy Newton paid me a visit today, an' he saw y'all's Lammerghini in my g'rage. Somehow, his pea brain put two an' two together an' come up with six. He done started askin' questions 'bout the fancy thing an' two strange girls, an' next thing I know he was a runnin' yer plates through to Bernice fer her to look 'em up. He come back with yer name Alice, an' said he was gonna find you two." His expression was forlorn, reminding Bella of a sad puppy.

"Well, I guess that means we're on the lam too, Bella! Do you think he could get us for aiding and abetting?" Alice sounded almost excited about having a criminal record. My, how things had changed since last night.

"I doubt he could get us for anything at all, Ali, but it does mean that we should probably stay hidden, too. How much longer 'til the car can be fixed, Emmett?"

"Well, I cain't rightly say. I'm still waitin' on that part, an' they tol' me it'd be at least a week. May be ten days. Then I gotta fix it, so could be two weeks?" His voice faded off, and he cringed a bit waiting for Alice to screech or jump up and pummel him.

"We've got to be in New Orleans next week, Bella, or Esme will send out the cavalry. Which would mean Charlie and my Daddy and a whole lot of explaining to do. And _that_ does not sound like any sort of fun, in my book."

Bella nodded in agreement, but before she or Alice could look to Edward and Jasper for suggestions, the two men had gotten up from their seats and stepped a few feet away. They looked thick as thieves as they conferred, their heads close together. When they came back over they mirrored each other with their eerily similar and devious grins.

"So, how would you two lovely ladies feel about a road trip?" Jasper began.

"Jasper, we're already on a road trip!" Alice retorted immediately.

"Yes, Darlin', you are, but what 'bout a road trip _with us_?" he clarified.

The lightbulb in Alice's brain had yet to come on, but Bella leapt into Edward's arms and squealed with delight. "You mean you two wanna go to New Orleans with us?" Edward nodded, kissing the corner of her mouth. "Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!"

Edward was swinging Bella around in circles when a scream met his ears accompanied by an "OOF" as Alice pounced on Jasper. Edward came to a stop to see Jasper literally grounded by the smallest person among them. He was fine, though, as he was being peppered with kisses. The lightbulb was finally on and burning bright.

**I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'mma wonderin' what kinda trouble them boys are gonna git themselves and those two pretty ladies into. It's a good thang that folks in Nawlins are used to bad weather; I think Hurricane Cullen is on it's way. Duck and cover folks!**

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A/N: THANKS to LULUBELLE for da betafication. You outta yer bunk yet? ;)

We hope to get these chaps out a little more frequently...we hope you're still with us! Please review!


	8. Road Trip

**Hey there folks! Y'all been sittin there, waitin' all patient-like, an the last time we seen our lil' group they was squealin' and a-kissin', an' poor Jasper was tryin' to figure out how he done ended up on th'ground with 80 pounds of hot woman on top of him. (Not that he was complainin', mind ya.) An' I s'pose I ain't got much else to say 'cept… YEEEEEEHAWWWW**!

"ROAD TRIP? Did y'all just say road trip? There are two rules to starting a road trip. Rule 1: Invite me. Rule 2: Follow rule one. There's no way in hell y'all are road trippin' without me. And Rosie. She'll kick yer asses from here to next year if'n you don't at least ask her to go. You want that shitstorm hangin' o'er yer heads when y'all come home? I wouldn't." Emmett's voice resounded off the trees around them, making a few birds squawk in irritation.

Jasper peeked over Alice's shoulder at Edward as if to say, "Well, he's got a point. What'dya think?" Edward shrugged at Jasper's silent inquiry and they both smiled.

"Awright, Em. You git yerself over to the farm, tell Rosalie the deal, and see what she says. If she wants to go, then fine. If not, y'all need to bring us the General Lee, clothes, and whatever the girls want you to bring. Tell Uncle C we're goin' on a lil' trip an' not to worry. In the meantime, I'mma take Miss Bella here for a walk." A devilish grin graced Edward's face as Bella blushed in response. He hooked his arm in hers and led her towards the slim mouth of an overgrown walking path. In moments, they'd disappeared between the trees.

"Sweet Jumpin' Jehosaphat! I ain't never been to N'awlins! Did I ever tell you gals I am happier than a pig in slop that yer fancy car done broke down in my town?" Emmett's enthusiasm bounced him over to Alice, who was still perched atop Jasper on the ground. He scooped her up in a bear hug as he twirled her like a top. She let out a high-pitched peal of laughter as they spun, eliciting chuckles from Jasper, who remained on his back, tucking his arms behind his head like a pillow.

After Edward and Bella returned, a flushed pink coloring their cheeks (and maybe a couple of leaves stuck in Bella's hair), they ignored Jasper's teasing, though Bella pinched Alice's arm to stem her commentary. "Now, I'm gonna bruise!" she huffed.

Within three hours, the cabin was all packed up, and the girls were dressed in comfy traveling clothes (which translated to jeans and a tee for Bella, a dress and heels for Alice). They were just waiting for word from Emmett as to where to meet them.

The CB finally crackled to life. "This here's Shepherd to Lost Sheep, Shepherd to Lost Sheep. Come in, Lost Sheep."

Jasper jumped up and into Rosalie's jeep, grabbing the handset. "This is Lost Sheep, over."

"I hear tell y'all are wanderin' to the far pasture. Bo Peep and her sheepdog said to meet 'em at the Old Mill Bridge. Over." Uncle C's chuckle could be heard over the static.

"You done heard right, there, Shepherd. The south pasture is lookin' pretty green, an' we got some time to wile away. Over." The girls were having giggle fits over the covert talk. Jasper sent them a sly wink when he overheard their amusement.

"Awright, then. You sheep take care of those pretty little lambs; they are too sweet to let wander off on their own. Watch out for the wolves—they are still on the prowl. Over."

Bella looked at Edward and batted her big brown eyes before she opened her mouth and said, "Baa-baa-baaaaa."

Edward's eyes crinkled up and tears began to leak from Alice's as they laughed for all they were worth.

"That's a 10-4, Shepherd." Jasper had a hard time forming coherent words as he watched the other three fall to pieces in laughter. "We'll keep one eye open and our ears to the ground. We'll be in touch soon. Over."

After double checking the cabin was closed up and the fire completely out, they piled into the jeep and took off, making their way back out to the main road. The trip to Old Mill Bridge took about fifteen minutes, passing through some of the prettiest countryside Bella had ever seen. Everything was lush and green, and the smell was wonderful. It all smelled so clean. When they got to the bridge, Em and Rose were already there waiting.

"It took y'all long enough," Rosalie sniped as she stood next to the bright orange Dodge that the boys prided themselves on. She had two bags by her feet and Emmett leaned next to her with one by his. "Okay, first we're switching cars. Second, if we get separated we'll meet up at the Peachtree Hotel in downtown Atlanta. Got it?" As usual, she was all business; no one dared refute her little speech.

The boys grabbed the few bags from the jeep and popped the trunk on the car, stopping short when they saw the mountain of bags in the trunk.

**Now, I don't know 'bout you folks out there, but I have seen the inside of that trunk, and I know that you could put three to five dead bodies in there and still have room leftover fer yer shovel…So when them boys saw how much was crammed into it, they done froze like molasses in the dead o' winter. It was packed tighter than Boss Hogg's sister's girdle after a Sunday fried chicken dinner buffet.**

"What in blue blazes is all this stuff?" Edward remarked after Jasper let out a low whistle.

Alice's head popped around the trunk lid and smiled. "Silly man! That's my stuff! I told Rosalie to bring everything! I mean, I didn't know what I'd need, and I just know that if I left something behind, it would be the one thing I would need and…" Bella clapped a hand over the chatterbox's mouth.

"Well, a few things are mine, too. Those black bags, there." She pointed to one side of the overstuffed gargantuan space. There were four of them, none of them bigger than a small suitcase.

"I'm not sayin' a word, Jas. Not one dang word. But I will ask if any of our things got put in there." Edward glanced to Rosalie.

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, you got a bag each and one small one for bathroom stuff. Just don't try to find it right now." Emmett snorted as Bella winked at Edward.

"Okay, I s'pose we should get this show on the—" Jasper's sentence was cut short when the harsh caterwauling of a police siren blared from the distance. It was just coming over the rise in the road and headed straight for them. "SHIT! Now'd be the time t'get yer asses in the car, ladies! GO!"

Edward shoved the bags in the trunk and slammed the lid thanking Detroit for the steel it was constructed from. Jasper hastily put Alice through the passenger side window, and Bella was already seated behind the driver's seat. Edward bounded around the front, sliding over the hood just like you see in the movies. Two seconds later both he and Jasper poured themselves through the window like their asses had been greased up. Alice and Bella shared a knowing smirk and a "fanning myself" gesture.

Rose and Em were already in the Jeep shooting across the bridge when the General's engine roared to life. Edward gunned the gas showering the fast-approaching cop car with gravel and dirt.

"This is Bo Peep to Lost Sheep, over!" Rose's voice blared over the CB.

Jasper snatched up the CB and didn't even bother with the formalities. "What's the plan, Cuz?"

The countryside was zipping by at speeds certainly deemed unsafe for highways let alone country gravel roads.

Rosalie's answer was immediate. "Ask Fire-Britches over there, he's the drivin' genius!"

Bella raised her eyebrows at Alice and mouthed "_Fire-Britches?" _Alice just looked perplexed.

Jasper turned to look out the back window. "Shit on a stick! Now there's two!" The girls simultaneously whipped around to confirm Jasper's revelation.

Edward just chuckled. "Well, I reckon it's time to split up! Ask Rosie if she wants the high road or the low road!"

Jasper relayed the question, and Rose picked the low road.

Edward nodded and immediately barked. "Awright, tell her to take the fork toward the Stanley farm and then cut through their last cornfield. It'll bring her back out onto the blacktop by the Cheney place, then she can take it to the highway for Atlanta. She should lose them in the cornfield."

Jasper repeated the directions, Rose responding that she'd keep in touch.

"So we're takin the high road, huh?" Jasper's grin was wider than a jack-o-lantern's. They were flying down the road even faster now, Alice glared at Bella and mouthed _"seventy-five." _Bella just giggled; her dad would burst a blood vessel—or ten—if he knew.

"Oh, yeah. I was thinkin' we'd hop on over to the ol' fishin bridge, get in a few sights for the girls before we leave the county." He wiggled his eyebrows at Jasper. "Hang on, ladies…left turn comin' up!"

Bella suddenly found herself slung hard into Alice, squashing her against the side as Edward took a direct left onto a tiny road that she didn't know how he could've seen. Edward had slammed the brakes and twisted the wheel, the General smoothly sliding sideways before the tires spun and kicked up some rocks as they took off again down the narrow lane. Jasper held fast to the window frame and let loose one hell of a holler, gleeful as ever. One cop car went immediately zooming past them, the other fishtailing, blowing up a dust storm as it tried to catch the same turn that Edward had taken like a pro.

"Ow, Bella! He said hang on, for chrissakes!"

"Sorry, Ali, I didn't know we were gonna be in a Nascar race today!" Her sarcastic apology earned a glare from Alice, who rubbed her elbow and pouted. Once again Bella noticed how the swirl of green and brown flew past them and that she'd never felt more exhilarated; this was almost as good as the other night by the fire, almost.

Jasper's voice broke through her slight daydream, "Y'all doin' alright back there? We got a right turn comin' up, right about…now!" The ass end of the 01 swerved around another unseen corner and this time Alice's tiny, bony body slung into Bella. When they had slightly recovered, they twisted around to watch the cop car tailing them, enjoying the reckless ride much more than Newton and crew were.

Smirking, Bella grabbed the sides of the driver's seat and leaned forward. "Edward? How are we supposed to see anything at these speeds, not that this isn't fun as Hell, but it's not really conducive to sightseeing."

"Well up here on the right, that sparkly silver blur of water? That's where we used to fish," Edward teased back, throwing a smirk over his shoulder. "And in a second, you'll see a big ol' tree brustling past us... there goes. Yeah, that 'un was where I caught Jasper kissin' on Maria Estes."

Despite the danger of distracting a driver at this point, Jasper was not deterred from punching Edward's arm. As if he could feel the heat of her jealousy, he turned to a glowering Alice, who ignored him by looking out the window. "Darlin'," he cooed, his voice sweet and smooth like honey. "I was nine."

She didn't respond, so he decided to repay the favor to Edward. "On the flipside, back that-a-way 'bout two hunnerd yards is a treehouse, damn near fallin' apart. Edward lost his virginity in there."

"As much as I'd like to beat you senseless right now, cousin o' mine, I'mma concentrate on evadin' the Newton crew like the gol'durn pro I am," Edward said through his teeth, managing another sharp turn and mindboggling driving maneuver with the slightest of effort.

Bella leaned forward, speaking low in his ear, "S'Okay, Edward. After last night, I knew there was no way you were a virgin."

Jasper had to grab the wheel before they went headlong into a tree. "Hell'sa matter with you, boy?"

Edward cleared his throat. "Uh, distraction. Sorry."

Bella smiled triumphantly, catching Edward's eyes in the rearview mirror. He winked and much to her chagrin, she blushed again, her mind yet again returning to thoughts of his skin against hers, cast aglow in firelight.

"Old Pussy-boy is down right persistent, ain't he?" Edward remarked glancing quickly over his shoulder through the back window.

"Shore is, jus' like that crotch itch that Lauren Mallory had that she swore was poison ivy—all four years of high school!" The remark sent both of the boys into hysterics, but had Alice boiling over like a full teakettle.

"Tell me that 'itch' never got ANYWHERE near you, Jasper Cullen. Right now!" The shriek was borderline earsplitting and quickly escalating in octaves.

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus, Darlin'! Hell naw! Neither of us could bear to sit in any chair she'd plop her trailer-trash ass into. I'd bet my best huntin' bow that whatever she 'ad could eat through steel—fergit denim." He shuddered with revulsion before Alice squealed, leaned forward to plant a sloppy wet kiss on his lips. He caught her face with his hands and prolonged it, earning a moan that he swallowed.

Bella watched Edward roll his eyes and chuckle. She didn't bother asking him after Jasper's declaration.

She turned back around to watch Sheriff Newton gain on them a bit, and suddenly she couldn't resist messing with him just a bit more. Turning to Alice, she nodded her head in the cop's direction and cocked an eyebrow. Alice had seen that look before. She knew what Bella had in mind and grinned conspiratorially back at her.

"Edward? Are there any turns coming up soon?" His eyes met hers in the rearview again. He shook his head. "No, Sugar. Why do you ask?"

"Let him get a bit closer then and watch his face."

Edward slowed the car just a tiny bit and then felt his jaw drop like it weighed a ton as Alice and Bella both blew a kiss to the man in the car behind them before twisting, dropping trou, and shining two of the prettiest moons Pussy-boy would probably ever see in his life!

Jasper tried to laugh, but ended up choking on his own spit. Edward had to concentrate hard on the road to not wreck them as he laughed uproariously at the expression on Newton's face. The man looked like he was gonna have a heart attack, or quite likely blow a load in his pants.

_Priceless_, Edward and Jasper thought through their wheezing laughter.

"You two better be careful or ya might get charged with murder. The dumbass coulda had a heart attack!" Edward's chastisement was anything but; it came across as more proud than admonishing. "We're only bout half a mile from the bridge, and there's one left turn comin' up in a coupla seconds. You gals ready?"

They both nodded their heads and braced for the turn as the car whipped around the corner. Finally, they felt they were really getting the hang of this highspeed chase stuff.

Alice was the first one to see the bridge and pointed it out to Bella. "Oh, look! There's the bridge. It's so old and quaint, I wish we had time to stop and loo—"

Alice's voice cut short as Bella realized what stopped her friend's verbal diarrhea: half the bridge was gone.

"You need to stop! STOP! It's gone! The bridge has collapsed!"

Bella had to admit, Alice had a real set of lungs on her. She was also practically beating Jasper about the head and shoulders in her attempt to get at Edward to make him stop the car. Bella was speechless with eyes like saucers.

Jasper turned in his seat and grabbed Alice's hands. "Calm down, Darlin'. Don't you worry none. It's all under control. Now sit back before you get hurt!" Jasper's words had a strange effect on Alice, and she said nothing more, gaping at him like the broken door on a barn.

There was no more time for words as it was. Edward smashed the gas pedal to the floor. As the General Lee surpassed ninety miles per hour, it thrummed under them, the end of the bridge beneath the wheels even faster than either of the girls thought possible.

"Hang on ladies, we's gonna git some air in three... two… one!"

The car launched itself off the end of dilapidated bridge like a snapped rubber band. They flew through the air, arcing over a gorgeous river that Bella couldn't believe she was focusing on when her life could end in seconds, but somehow the cool green water flowing under them snagged her attention. The moment seemed to slow and stretch before the air was pierced with a loud and resounding, "YEEEEHAWWW!"

**DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS! Them boys a'been doin' this since they was little squirts. Jumping bicycles and then motorbikes and finally cars when they got old enough to see over the steerin' wheel. Not that they didn't wreck a couple'a times, but they landed safe way more than not. Now, for us normal folks, a drive to Atlanta should take 'round three hours, maybe a lil' less. I don't think you'll be surprised to learn that Edward pulled the General Lee into the parking lot of the hotel in just over an hour 'n' a half.**

"Woohooo! I think we done broke a record, Cuz!" Jasper hollered as he pulled himself out the window effortlessly.

"You could be right," Edward agreed, doing the same before reaching in to help Bella out.

"Jasper, please get me out of this car. I'm not gonna barf again, but I'm a li'l spinny," Alice slurred from the backseat.

He snickered and gingerly slid his woman out over the door.

"Have you told us why these damn doors don't open?" Alice snarked at him, obviously a bit perturbed by the fact.

Edward chuckled and answered instead, "Well, Miss Alice, truth is Uncle C welded 'em shut back when it was new. Couldn't get a good reason out of 'im."

"Welded shut," Alice repeated as if it was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard.

"Yes'm," Edward responded with a crooked smile. Bella sidled up and kissed a corner of his mouth.

"Plus," Jasper interjected, arms full of bags he'd been pulling out of the trunk, "It's a helluva lot o' fun! Who needs a reason?"

Alice wanted to glare, but the silly, lopsided grin he was sporting turned her knees to jelly. He winked as he passed, hauling many of the bags into the lobby himself. She fought her responding smile, but it won in the end.

Within fifteen minutes or so, Emmett and Rosalie arrived, receiving quite the teasing for being so "late."

"Th' hell, you say!" Rosalie yelled at Edward. "Low road takes longer."

"Naw, it doesn't," Emmett said absentmindedly before looking up to Rose's searing gaze. "Well... I mean... Edward drives like a bat outta hell, as it is, so... they jus' got the advantage."

She held the heated look to his face, but when he moved closer to touch her, she bristled and scoffed, "Whatever."

As she quickly moved away from the Jeep and pulled her bags out of the back, Edward bumped Emmett with his elbow. "Din't you ever learn t' leave an angry snake curled up in the sun?" he whispered.

"She ain't no snake," Emmett hissed back and stomped past Edward to get his own bags.

Edward and Jasper shared a knowing look, and Alice and Bella decidedly shut their traps so they could all just get checked in and settled into their rooms. Edward asked for two rooms (one for the boys, one for the girls), but Bella stared at him, openmouthed and frowning. Alice scoffed, telling him to "stop acting like such a gentleman!" He was amending the request for three when Rosalie announced loudly to the lobby that she would not share with Emmett. Alice vehemently refused to not share with Jasper, who grinned like the Cheshire Cat. So, Emmett saved them further argument by agreeing to sleep in the tub if it made Rosalie more comfortable. She huffed, grabbing a cardkey before stalking off toward the elevator.

"You sure you're okay with this, Sugar?" Edward asked Bella.

"Campfire, hotel room... either way, I'm next to you," she replied. "And I'm more than okay." She planted a quick kiss on his lips.

"OMIGOD," Alice gasped, bringing the attention back to her. "We have to go dancing tonight! YES! Dancing! Please? Bella, come on, it will be AWESOME. And we can finally wear those clubbing outfits I brought us!"

"I'm up for some square-dancin'!" Jasper agreed, nodding. Alice looked at him, horrorstruck. "I'm kiddin', Darlin'. I _have_ been outside Hazzard County before." He winked before bending down and throwing her over his shoulder. She squealed all the way to the elevator.

A few hours later, the entire crew was all spit-shined and polished, ready for a night out in "Hotlanta," as Alice kept saying. After a quick bite to eat and a couple of drinks at Intermezzo, they headed to what their waitress Linette declared "the slammin'est club in the South." Her boyfriend André was on the door that night, and because they were such good tippers, she texted him to put a party of "Edward Cullen plus five" on his list.

Once they arrived at Pulse, they knew Linette couldn't be far off. The line was wrapped around the corner of the building as their cab pulled in front of the door. Edward wrapped an arm around Bella as they all approached a tall, burly man blocking the entrance. "Howdy, sir! You must be André," Edward said, extending his hand out. "I'm Edward Cullen."

Slightly confused, André shook his hand. Edward explained Linette had sent them. André laughed and nodded, briefly telling them how Linette never asks him for favors for anyone but her and her friends. So, he was almost jealous until he read the "plus five" in her text. "When I first read the name, I was just hoping you were gay."

"He is," Emmett interjected, Edward rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

"Please don't mind him," Rosalie said as she stepped up to the bouncer. "Usually, we keep him gagged, but it's his night off the leash."

"Whatever floats your boat, miss, but just so you know, The Chamber closed a few years ago," André quipped, leaving the three Cullens and a McCarty slightly lost. He held the door for the group as Bella and Alice smothered their laughter until it turned into snorts. Rosalie just narrowed her eyes as she passed.

"You mind 'splainin' what the hell he was talkin' bout? Being as you gals find it so amusin'," Jasper said into Alice's ear, soft as he could manage, given the rising noise as they entered the club.

"Gags? Collars? Leashes? Maybe a crop or a paddl—"

"Got it," Jasper cut her off, holding his hands in surrender and blushing.

"Do you, now?" Alice said, teasingly, trying to ignore a tugging in her chest at the sight of his reddening cheeks.

"Not really my thing, Darlin'," he continued, scrunching up one side of his face. "Though, I might have to spank ya if yer naughty."

"That's good." Alice laughed throatily and pressed her body into his, continuing with the admission, "I might like it if you tied me up, though." She snickered, grabbed Bella away from Edward's protective embrace, and ran towards an open spot at the bar.

Rosalie smoothed her tight, short red dress and strutted after them like she was on a runway. Jasper was still a little, uh, _stunned_ by Alice's comment, but Edward watched Emmett's eyes fall out of his head as Rosalie walked away.

"Put the tongue back in there, Killer," he said, slapping him on the back and steering him in the girls' direction. "Come on, fellas. Let's get some dranks!"

Carving out a spot at the counter, they toasted to the trip, each other, sunny skies, and busted down Lamborghinis. Around their revelry, Bella couldn't help but to notice the climbing number of lusty looks being directed at Edward (Jasper and Emmett, too, for that matter) by female passersby. It made her feel smug and defensive at the same time. It didn't help that the Cullen boys seemed oblivious.

Two more rounds of drinks and one of shots later, Alice was practically levitating over the floortiles. "I gotta dance, Bella! Rosalie? Please? Come ON!"

Their enamored southern boys tracked every step they took toward the center of the floor, noting the fairly dense crowd. In a place like this, three beautiful women like these would never go without lots of male attention, especially if they're unattended on a dancefloor. Quickly realizing this, Edward threw the last of his drink back and slammed the glass on the bar, shooting Jasper a look. He and Emmett quickly followed suit and began to push their way into the crowd towards the trio.

The song changed and inexplicably opened a floodgate, because suddenly any extra space began to fill, making it much more difficult to get through. Emmett shoved his way ahead, his size intimidating most to get out of his way. Plus, he was kind of like a bulldozer, he just _plowed_ indiscriminantly. Edward and Jasper were left behind, mostly thanks to the female attention barring their path.

When Emmett reached Rose, he stood very close, his chest lightly touching her back and shoulders. He leaned into her ear and asked, "Is it too much to ask that you dance with _me_, Rosalie?"

She spun and eyed him, her expression shockingly soft, thanks to alcoholic intervention. Her words, however, were not. "Emmett, I'm drunk. Not stupid."

After she returned to her position in the tiny circle the girls were dancing in, a grumbling Emmett retreated into the crowd. As he moved slowly through the throng of people, his scowl transformed to a neutral, open expression. Despite his obvious affection for Rosalie, he had an uncanny knack for "shaking it off," so to speak.

Like the Cullen cousins, Emmett was not unattractive. In fact, he was an adorably-dimpled charmer with his own pantydropping smile. Before he'd gotten too far, he began to move to the beat, comfortably dancing by himself. Surrounded by people, it wasn't terribly unusual or attention-grabbing. Within a minute, a tall redhead approached and painted him head to toe with her eyes. He smirked, grabbed her by the elbow and spun her around. She squealed and laughed before attaching herself to him in a close rhythm.

Edward and Jasper, meanwhile, had been inundated by offers for dance partners. Even though they had no interest, they saw the girls having fun, so they made the most of it, much like Emmett.

Soon, though, it was difficult to keep the clingers at bay, and some of the girls around them were getting really handsy. Jasper looked at Edward and began to laugh, finding it overly amusing. Edward joined him easily, both finding hilarity in their entrapment.

Hilarity, however, would not be how Bella saw it when she caught sight of her _sweetheart_ from across the floor. A strawberry blonde had her claws up in Edward's bronze mane at the exact moment she spotted him. He quickly extracted her fingers, but Bella had already frozen in place, steam coming out of her ears. Alice noticed the rapid shift in Bella's demeanor and turned to follow her glare.

"SWEET JIMINY CHRIST ON A TEAKETTLE!" The bizarre mashup of a piercingly loud declaration snapped Bella from her tunnel vision, as well as catching Rosalie's interest. Both looked at Alice with knitted brows, though thoroughly entertained by the outburst. "Someone best get their hands off my man 'fore I get violent."

All three turned to see the small harem around the two boys who simply laughed at each other. A blonde woman had her hands running up Jasper's chest as she pressed herself into his back. He was trying to pry her loose, but Alice couldn't see anything but red. She moved to start forcing her way to them, but Bella grabbed her arm and took the lead. Rosalie took a deep breath and hoped she didn't have to take her shoes off for this scuffle. She rolled her neck while mentally rolling up her sleeves, ready to duke it out for her girls' sakes, not to mention, keeping the scum off her idiot cousins.

Alice never realized what a force to be reckoned with Bella could be until she took to clearing a path toward Edward and Jasper. It was fairly biblical—parting of the Red Sea and all that. Moments later, she elbowed the primary offender's ribs, who still had her fingers grasping at Edward's hair. "Hands off, hooker," Bella snarled, twisting the girl's wrist backwards and pushing her away.

The girl swore and went to lunge for Bella, but Alice had caught up and socked her in the mouth.

Edward grabbed Bella by the waist and pulled her back into him. "Easy, Sugar," he crooned. "I'm all yours."

Bella spun in Edward's arms to face him, blushing evident on her cheeks. "I'm... I was a little jealous," she replied, obviously embarrassed, post-adrenaline rush. Edward replied only with a scorching kiss as he lifted her off her feet.

Alice turned and glared at the urchin still attached to Jasper's back. "Unless you're not attached to your teeth, I suggest you get your hands off," she hissed. The woman was much taller than Alice and mistakenly unafraid.

"Beat it, munchkin," Blondie said. "I was here first!"

Jasper finally got a good grip on her hands and twisted out of her embrace, throwing a quick arm over Alice's shoulders. "Ma'am, I'd take her advice, if'n I was you. 'Sides, she _was _here first."

Alice quickly leaped to wrap her legs around his waist and marked his mouth with her ruby-red lips on his before turning back to the woman. "MINE."

Jasper didn't succeed in smothering the snort that came out, so he leaned in to leave a string of openmouthed kisses along Alice's chin and throat. She squirmed happily, humming as the tramp finally walked away.

"Dang, Cuz!" Jasper hollered over the music at Edward, grinning like a wild man. "I think we set a bad example at the Boar's Nest!"

Edward dislodged his tongue from Bella's mouth momentarily to throw him an uneven smirk. "Maybe," he agreed. "Though I have to wonder if these here 'city-girls' could kick our asses."

Bella blushed and smiled at him. "Don't give me a reason to, Cullen," she said, sweetly. "Plus, there's only so many times I can come to your rescue."

"So, I's the one in distress? _Hooker_ distress?" He teased.

"It _did_ look awful from where I was standing."

"And here I was, tryin' to get t'you to save ya from them big bad wolves out here on the dancefloor." He tickled her ear with his lips as he spoke.

"Didn't realize that wolves can wear skirts, did you?" Bella giggled, as he continued to tease her skin with his mouth.

"I'm sure it's the lifestyle choice that's right fer them," he joked, reclaiming her lips with a heated kiss, swaying heavily with the music, or maybe the booze.

"I'd say let's just get outta here, but where in the hell is Rosalie?" Alice panted, Jasper reattached to her neck, his hands roaming.

Their eyes began scanning the faces and colors around the pulsing mass of people that was the dancefloor, stopping only when they saw the complete unexpected: Rosalie and Emmett sucking each other's faces off, not ten feet away.

**Folks, I don't have the faintest idea what done happ'n'd 'tween headin' into the fray with Bella and Alice and that, but I'm shore itchin' ta find out! Until then, shots are on me! Meetcha at the bar!**

A/N: Quick thanks to Sleep Talkin' Man (http: / / sleeptalkinman DOT blogspot DOT com) for the opening line's inspiration. 'Twas too "Emmett" not to use.

Also, The Chamber (that André mentions) was a real bar, but did close a few years ago. Intermezzo is a great little bistro that was still there, last I heard. Good food, great drinks. Pulse, however, is completely fictional in this case.

**Reviewers get a reply from the Hazzard boy of their choice!**


	9. Hotlanta to NOLA

***groan* Aw, hell... Why'd y'all let me drank so much? My head's a-poundin' out the beat to "Black Betty" thanks to that last round o' shots! So, while I take me some Hair o' the Dog, why don't you folks backtrack for me and find out what got Coot—uh, Emmett, that is—and Rose so "friendly."**

Rosalie followed her city slicker friends step for step, but immediately froze when she spotted a familiar short-cropped mop of curls tangled in the talons of an aggressive redhead. _Emmett._

Something must have snapped, because a streak of jealousy so hot burned through her and forced her entire body toward him.

"Cooter, what in thee hell you _thank_ yer doin'?" Rosalie shouted over the thumping music. Gesturing rudely to the redhead, who was ignorantly tossing condescending looks at the statuesque blonde, Rosalie growled another question. "Who the hell is this floozy?"

"I don't rightly know, Miss Rosalie," he said with an infuriating dash of sarcasm, his sparkling blue eyes piercing right through her. "But don't you worry none; we're havin' a grand ol' time!" He laughed, but she felt his bitterness hit her in the gut. He spun himself and his dance partner away, but not before the girl incensed Rosalie further: she flipped her off.

_Aw, hell NAW she didn't._

It wasn't that Rosalie didn't know how she felt about Emmett. Nor was it that she didn't _want_ to be open about it. And it certainly wasn't that she didn't trust him. Truth was, Rosalie was scared. Of more than she'd ever admit. Right at this moment, she was petrified. Of losing him.

Without her conscious permission, her body took over, pushing her past the few people barring her path. Gripping the long fiery locks in her fist, Rosalie yanked the offensive woman easily out of Emmett's arms. "Red" lost her footing and fell backwards into Rosalie, who shoved her away by the back of her head and into a few unsuspecting fellow patrons. An unapologetic expression plastered comfortably on her face, Rose moved her feet apart a little further, readying (and hoping) for a fight.

Red grappled for balance before facing Rosalie again, taking in her combative stance. She emitted some sort of growl or a snarl and charged at Rosalie in an obvious attempt to tackle her. Rose quickly sidestepped to her left, swiping Red's leg as she did. Red went stumbling into another couple, who started clucking and bitching in annoyance. Security was sure to be moving in soon.

_Way to spoil my fun, _Rose thought as she watched the mousy girl drag her boyfriend away.

In the meantime, Red was back up and throwing a punch. Her fist landed comfortably enough in Rose's palm, who maneuvered Red's arm behind her back. "This man," Rosalie hissed into her ear while directing her captive's attention to Emmett, "is _mine_. So, I can throw you outta here—literally—or you can walk away with just a black eye."

Rosalie let her arm go, and Red spun to face her. "What black eye?" She snapped, a pathetic excuse for a bitchface in place.

Rose smirked, cocked back her arm, and punched the woman dead in the face. "That one," she spat.

Red rocked back, flailing into the arms of a longhaired greaseball, who took the opportunity to grope her boobs. She elbowed him in the stomach and stalked off the dancefloor, palm over her eye.

Rosalie shifted her satisfied gaze to Emmett, whereupon her expression mutated back to angry. Emmett had stood by and watched the show with a heady mix of awe, lust, and pride, and the blend of emotions were still apparent as she looked at him. She narrowed her eyes and spun on her heel, intent on making a statement by walking away. In a flash, his large hand encased her bicep and brought her around, crushing her to his chest. He was breathing heavily as he tried to think of what to say.

"Lord in Heaven, Rosalie, why are you still fightin' me?" He panted, his voice strained. "You know yer killin' me, right? I have been patient. I've let every one of yer barbs and blowoffs roll down my back like water off a duck's ass. I _know_ why you do what you do an' say what you say, an' I know you needed me to wait. And I been waitin'! But why? I ask m'self all the durn time, my head runnin' in circles thinkin' I might get somewhere."

Her eyes burned with the threat of tears, but she was stone still as he continued. "But I always end up right back at the same place: I love you. I. LOVE. YOU. Never loved no one 'sides you. Ne'er will. And here you are..." He trailed off, chewing on his lips, unable to complete the sentence. He huffed, his next words quieter. "Just a second ago, you were fighting _for _me, and yet you go on an' treat me like—"

Her lips finally cut him off, kissing him with everything she had always held back. Emmett froze in shock momentarily, but quickly recovered, returning the sentiment in kind. In many ways, it was their first real kiss. Every other time, every other caress, every other touch... they had all been laced with frustration and doubt, despite the deeply-rooted, frantic need that drove them both.

"I love you, Emmett," she said against his lips. "Always."

The unabashed display of love ignited into a frenzy of mouths and hands, but unfortunately, it was short-lived.

"HO-LEE HELL, I ne'er thought I'd see the day!" Rosalie's teeth bit down on Emmett's bottom lip as Edward's unwelcome interruption was shouted over the noise in the club. They released each other to turn and glare at their friends, each of whom had nothing but a shit-eating grin on their face.

"Y'all wanna get to that room now? We ready to _hit it_." Jasper smirked proudly before making a grunting sound as Alice dug a heel into his toe. He directed a pout at her. "What?"

"Terribly uncouth, Jas," Emmett said, punctuating it with a snort. Edward started wheezing with laughter, Bella giggling into his shoulder.

"That on yer word o' the day calendar, Cooter?" Jasper retorted with a loud chuckle, undoubtedly entertained. "I think I'm jus' shocked you used it right."

Emmett moved to start a "boys-will-be-boys" wrestling match, but Rosalie put her arm across his chest and nodded towards the other side of the dancefloor. "Let it go, baby. Security's a-comin' to kick us out. Might as well _hit it_." He caught her eye and the mischievous glint in it, the urge to get Jasper in a headlock instantly gone. He smiled ear to ear and led her out of the crowd, his arm around her waist and her arms around him.

Instead of waiting for the other four, Emmett hustled Rosalie into a cab and set off for the hotel. The entire ride, Rosalie was somewhat amazed at her inability to keep her hands off him, her lips almost constantly on his. The cab driver cleared his throat a few times, but to no avail. Emmett was certainly not about to complain as her ass ground into his lap.

Mostly feeling his way into the hotel with a free hand, Rose wrapped around him and kissing him, he somehow managed to steer them to the elevator and into their room unscathed. Perhaps it was divine guidance—or maybe they did run into stuff, but were just too focused on each other to notice.

Once truly alone, door locked behind them, Rose sobered. Her lips stilled against his, and she unwrapped her legs from his waist, sliding slowly down his body and backing away. The look on his face told her he expected rejection yet again, and her own heart broke in two. She'd always known that it wasn't easy for him to act like nothing was actually going on, and that it hurt him a little bit every time she pretended to be disgusted by his flirtatiousness, his chivalry and advances.

But right now, she finally felt the full effect of her mistake and she wanted to apologize. "Emmett, I don't..." she said softly, raising her hands to reach out for him. His face fell a little further before she could continue. "NO! That's not... I jus'... shee-it!" she swore with frustration.

Sliding out of her shoes and kicking them aside, she stepped forward and pressed her self against him, resting her cheek against his chest. "I jus' wanted to apologize. I don't deserve you—that's what I's gon' say. I been so horrible to you fer so long," she paused, taking a deep breath. "I don' know how you... how you still want me."

She listened to his chest rise with a deep breath, fearing momentarily that he would actually change his mind. When she began to jostle about, she realized he was laughing, but his arms tightened around her. "Good God Almighty, Rosie! You gots ta be kiddin' me!"

Rosalie stepped back, breaking from his embrace. "Don't you be makin' fun o' me! I'm serious!" Her indignation only made him laugh harder, and he clutched his stomach.

"Oh, baby," he said, still chuckling as his breath returned. "I have ne'er seen you so unsure of yerself—that was just a shock to m'system. How you could _thank_ that I'd ever stop wanting you after everthang I ever done or said, I... I jus' cain't figure."

As he spoke, he walked toward her, and she walked backward. When her legs hit the bed, he leaned forward and she lost balance, falling back onto the mattress. His muscular frame hovered over her, his arms trapping her between them.

"I am totally shor o' m'self!" She argued from beneath him, narrowing her eyes and continuing with a half-assed grumble. "Tellin' me I'm not... SHOR er somthin'... ya thick-headed idjit."

Emmett snorted.

"Well, I jus'... I wanna be better, or... y'know, I—"

"Rosalie?"

"Hmmm?"

"Kin we shut up now?"

"Jus' tell me 'gain," she ordered softly. "_Please_."

A huge grin stretched from one ear to the other. "Yes, ma'am." Leaning in, he kissed her earlobe... "I." The stretch of her neck... "Love." Her lips... "You."

Rosalie smiled the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen grace her face. Putting her hands on both sides of his face, she steadied him by looking deep into his eyes. "And I love you, Emmett."

He kissed her then, putting the kibosh on any more words. With every pass of their lips and caress of their fingers, an article of clothing was discarded and the sense of urgency heightened. Until there was skin against skin, there was no sating their hunger for one another. A twist and a flip, and Rosalie took the lead, straddling Emmett with a smug smile. She leaned forward and shifted back, slowing as they connected. She laughed loud and freely as his subsequent groan broke in the middle like a boy who's voice was changing. His hands that were gripping her hips moved upward, following the slopes of her curves until her breasts were fully encased behind his touch. Her laugh morphed into a moan and her head dropped back. His hips bucked up, throwing her forward and forcing them into a faster rhythm.

"Yes," she gasped, her eyes closed. Warmth rushed across her skin like a wildfire; heat, lust, and comfort flooding her senses.

Emmett refused to close his eyes; he wouldn't miss a moment of this. Pretending had always been difficult, but his faith in her was steadfast. Still, he was so relieved it was over. And watching her above him now, his love for her had only grown, his heart impossibly fuller than before.

Tracing his chest with her fingers, Rosalie was overcome with how different this time was turning out to be. Though Emmett and Rosalie had been "secretly" hooking up for years, the freedom of going public was unleashing a whole new set of emotions for the both of them. She leaned in to be closer, pressing her lips to his over and over, tracing them with her tongue and dipping past his teeth. As his thrusts quickened and her movements sped, they soon crested ecstasy and crashed, collapsing side by side.

A long, slow kiss, and several steadying breaths later, they each lay their heads on the same pillow and stared at each other.

"I shoulda taken you on a road trip a long time ago, Rosie," he whispered, a crooked grin chasing his words.

She snickered before lightly smacking his face. "I guess you know I like it when you call me 'Rosie', don't you?"

**AHEM. Well butter my ass an' call me a biscuit! I don't think I'da ever seen that comin' in a month o'Sundays. Them two was always fightin' like cats an' dogs, jibin' one another with sharp tongues 'n' nasty looks. Jus' goes t'show that love works in strange, strange ways, I reckon. I wunner what the rest of 'em are thankin' back on the curb outside the club…**

"Did I really jus' see what I think I saw?" Edward's look of astonishment was priceless as he watched the cab speed away.

'Yep. I think you did, Cuz." Jasper's tone matched Edward's.

"Uncle C is gonna have a coronary when he hears—"

Bella cut Edward off. "Edward, do you really think your uncle is _that_ blind? Alice and I have known since practically our first day here. Rose just, well…"

"She just wanted it to be on her terms, is what I think you're trying to say. Right, Bella?" Alice interjected.

"Yeah."

The boys reacted in unison, making "who'da-thunk" faces at one another. "Huh."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The ringing of the hotel phone seemed to intensify the pounding in Bella's head, blindly she reached out to grab the receiver. "This better be life or death, or Alexander Skaarsgard. Otherwise, I'm hanging up."

Maniacal laughter greeted her from the earpiece. "If you hang up this phone, you hot mess, I'm gonna bust down your door and drag your ass outta that bed forcibly." Damn, Alice was getting feistier by the day. Just shows you what a little southern lovin' can do to a girl.

"So this would be Death, then? FINE. I'm up. Give us twenty minutes, and we'll meet you for breakfast in the lobby." Edward's groan reverberated through her back as she hung up the phone.

"Twenty minutes is not near enough time for me to wake you up properly, woman."

"I know," she agreed, feeling a grin spread across her face and body, "but she wants to shop before we leave town, and trust me—you don't ever keep her from any retail establishment without incurring bodily harm."

"Okaaaay," he replied, his hands beginning to wander. "Shoppin', it is. So, I'm jus' chopped liver compared to this Skaars feller, huh?" Fingers gently trailed across her stomach, raising goosebumps.

"Well," she dramatically considered for a moment, "he doesn't have mad car driving skills like you, so I'd say you're a bit more than chopped liver." She gasped as his light touch turned more aggressive.

"You'd better rethink that, little girl. I can make you squirm and cry 'til ya tell me I'm the best man in the whole world ... and you'll never, _ever_, leave me for another—includin' centuries-old vampire sheriffs." He squeezed her sides eliciting a giggle.

Bella's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. "You watch True Blood?" She was simultaneously shocked and amused.

"It's a good show!" He said defensively, intensifying his tickle attack.

"No! Edward, don't! I will pee everywhere! Please, stop!" She squirmed ineffectually as he tickled her sides. "Okay, okay—you're the only one I want! I swear!" At these words, he stopped.

"Sugar, even though that was said under duress, I'm gonna hold you to that," he said, before kissing her deeply and leaving her breathless. Taking a few breaths for himself, he nibbled on her ear and murmured, "How 'bout we get a shower 'fore breakfast?"

She hummed in agreement—and contentment. Surprising her by leaping out of bed, he scooped her up gently and carried her into the bathroom.

They were late.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The four of them stood in the lobby waiting for Rosalie and Emmett. The boys were told to keep their mouths shut until they knew if the morning light had changed anything. They looked at the girls like they had stolen their favorite huntin' bows, but reluctantly agreed.

The dinging of the elevator brought their attention to the doors to see if they could start ribbin' Emmett yet. What greeted them was a view of their cousin with her legs wrapped around Emmett's waist as her hands twisted in his hair. They were stuck to one another's faces like sweaty legs on a leather car seat in August.

"Can I comment now, Darlin'?" Jasper's not-so-quiet whisper broke a bubble of laughter stuck in Edward's throat, the sound of which pried Rosalie's lips from Emmett's with a few last pecks.

"Not one word outta you two or yer gonna regret ever tellin' me 'bout yer escapades while you was away from home. Got me?" Her look was not an idle threat, and it reminded Bella of her dad the time she got caught climbing out of her window to go out to a party with Angela Weber. He'd threatened her with permanent grounding and home school all in one sentence. It was scary.

"So, umm, breakfast anyone?" Edward squeaked.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

They were barreling down the highway, making decent time despite all the stops.

The boys sat in the front while the girls were in the back. Alice was currently painting Bella's toenails a bright red. Bella read a book, looking bored with the whole thing. Edward could tell it was more for Alice's benefit than his.

"Y'know, it's a damn good thing that Rosie's jeep had room for all your purchases," Jasper joked to Alice, "or we'da had to leave someone behind."

Alice stopped her intense scrutiny of Bella's toes to eye Jasper. "If you'd let me go to the Container Store like I asked, I could have bought more spacesaver bags and then we'd—"

Bella's head popped up from her book to interrupt. "Then we'd have had to stay another night in Atlanta. As it is, we are four hours later than we should be, Ali. We told her we'd be in town by tonight, so we need to be there before my dad calls out the SWAT team."

Alice's signature excitement was slightly dampened, but returned full force instantly. "I know, I was just having so much fun! And I want to go back to that lingerie store! You wanted me to go back there, didn't you Jasper?" Her giant eyes pled with him, and he was momentarily helpless.

"I, well, I—umm, _shore_, Sweetheart," Jasper hedged, looking a bit like a deer in headlights. "Maybe they have another one in New _Awlins_?"

"You are so whipped, boy," Edward mumbled with a smug look.

Jasper's eyebrow shot sky high. "Don't even go there, Cuz. I saw _you_ in that store, too."

Edward had the decency to blush.

They stopped for dinner somewhere in Mississippi. It was a Cracker Barrel—nothing shocking as they were everywhere. Emmett complained that their gravy was nowhere as good as Rosalie's, which earned him a smacking kiss on the lips and a longing look that had Alice and Bella grinning madly.

Ten hours, nine stops, (two for Emmett to get some more food) and several weird car games later, the two vehicles pulled into New Orleans. Alice had turned her pouty face to Jasper at the last stop, and he crammed himself into the back seat with her. After ten minutes, both of them were sleeping soundly.

The salt of the sea greeted their nostrils the closer they got to the city, though there was an underlying sweetness to the scent as well. The streets were surprisingly busy for this time of night. Bella watched street signs pass as she navigated them through the city with her recently purchased map. The above-ground cemeteries made strange shapes in the night, looking like miniature cities. Bella was excited to go visit them in the light of day.

Aunt Esme's rented house was in the Garden District, but they had to drive through most of the city to get there. They quietly chatted about visiting certain places: Edward wanted to take a swamp tour and feed alligators, Bella wanted to eat at Café Du Monde and wander the French Quarter.

"At the next street turn left, and it should be the house on the corner," Bella instructed Edward. "She said it had a huge live oak in the front yard and a melon-colored front door."

"Are you sure we should show up at one in the a.m., Sugar? We could just go get a hotel fer the night."

"Aunt Esme is a total night owl, Edward. She may be a bit tipsy, but she'll be up."

Alice was sound asleep on Jasper's chest in the back seat, both of them snoring lightly. Edward and Bella were enjoying their drive through the sprawling city. It was a strange conglomeration of the old and new. She commented that she couldn't wait to see it in daylight, and he smiled at her in agreement. Following her directions, he took the turn and saw a sprawling house come into view, the front porch light on, illuminating none other than a melon-colored door.

Rose's headlights followed him as they pulled into the driveway on the right side of the house. Before he could wake up the sleeping couple in the back seat, a woman in a black, peacock-motif kimono carrying what looked like a flute of champagne leaned over the railing of the porch and hollered, "MARY ALICE BRANDON, wake your spritely little ass up and give your Auntie a hug!"

**That Aunt Esme sounds like she might be even more of a handful than her niece! An' I gots a feelin' that this group might jus' get inta more mischief than even I'm used ta seein'!**

A/N: thanks for reading. :)


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